Driving Rules

1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

12. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

13. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

14. Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.