New stuff in the Joke File

Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially...............................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially...............Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker...........Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking....................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker......................Won't make a decision
Agressive........................................Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs....Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well...................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities.......Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgement.........................Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded.................................Back Stabber
Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else

A woman comes in to work one day and sees her boss and tells him T.G.I.F..Well he looks at her and says S.H.I.T. The woman being a very christian and kind woman was stunned. She looked at him and said I was only saying T. G. I. F. , Thank God It¡s Friday. Well the boss looks at her and says and I said S.H.I.T. , Sorry Honey It's Thursday

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

The mythical Greek gods and friends threw a helluva party. It went on day and night with much drinking, carousing, and coupling. The next morning, the god Thor awoke much the worse for wear. He felt terrible. He was still in bed when a stunning young goddess walked in. He didn't remember her from the party but manfully got up to introduce himself. "Hello, I am Mighty Thor" he says. She says "You're mighty Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

The Code Red worm is known to operate only from the 1st to 20th of each month, after which it launches a (so far broken) attack on US government computers. What this means for most of us is that it only plays havoc with our bandwidth for 20 days a month. Or, as a sysadmin at work remarked to me, 'It's that time of month'.

The Internet now has a time of month. The Internet is female. And, as her 'time of month' lasts 20 days out of every 30, she's a *real bitch*.

Q: Did you here about the great VIAGRA robbery. Three men are being sought for stealing a truckload of the wonder drug!
A: Police are searching for three hardened criminals!

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door."

"Aw hell," the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

Q. What do you get when you have two green balls in your hand?
A. Kermit the frog's undivided attention!

(Passing requires 8 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Thirty years

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

A man lives in an old "back to back" house. He starts to suffer pains when going to the toilet and when he can stand it no longer plucks up the courage to visit his doctor. The doctor examines him and writes out a prescription.

"Take these suppositories three times a day" advises the GP "and put them into your back passage. If you are no better after 3 days, come back and see me"

The next day after breakfast the man gets a suppository, opens his back door and throws one down the passage. After lunch, another suppository is taken from its packet, the back door is opened and it follows the first one into the passage. The same happens in the evening and so on for the following two days.

Of course the man doesn't get any better, so feeling very upset returns to his GP.

"How did you get on?" asked the doctor. "Useless" replies the man. "For all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my arse......."

A drunk guy staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and G.W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will only sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally G.W. volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. G.W. began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in," he said. The Pagan asked why. "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool." So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes to him and presents himself as Satan. "Wow!" thinks the pagan, "Hell ain't so bad!" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?" the pagan asks Satan. Satan replies "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way.."

The chancellor of Oxford University was delighted with his guest speaker for the day; "I'm proud to announce David Beckham will today be giving a talk on the importance of tactics to the game of football, so without further ado, over to you David...' "Well", Becks started "The good thing about them is they contain only 2 calories and keep your breath fresh all day..."

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

Q: Why is sex is like software?
A: For every one who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

When shop floor workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf.

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical.

It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent. Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past half-hour?

Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes, 20 seconds at the most. What can we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It's not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down..........

I bet you thought this would be dirty joke!!!!!
Say two "Hail Mary's"...and clean up your act!)

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Speed thrills.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Here's to a Woman,
the beautiful vine.
She blooms every month
and bears every nine.
She's the only creature
this side of Hell
That gets juice from a nut
without crackin the shell....

There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

First god created earth, then he rested...
Then he created man, then he rested...
Then he created women and no one has rested since!

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves gotta admit: I've got one hell of a mustache!"

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. The blonde exclaimed, "Wow! I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was "female juices." "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit: I've got one hell of a mustache!"

So far today, God, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or indulgent.

I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes God, I'm going to get out of this bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon recovery she decides to just stay in hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc... She even has someone come in and change the colour of her hair. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years." God replies,"I didn't recognise you."

There was a man who went into the hospital and the doctor said 'I have some bad news and some worse news,' so the guy said 'What's the bad news?' and the doctor said, 'Well, this report I've got here says you've got two days', so the guy said 'Gee, doc, what's the worse news?' and the doctor said 'I've been trying to get in touch with you for two days'.

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie. The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out" POOF and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out". "OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country....

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at his home. "I will have to go home and come back later," he told her. The woman said: "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt and reveals lots of curly silver hair. She says: "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough of your age for me." She processed his Social Security application on the spot. When he got home he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. His wife said: "You should have dropped your pants and you would have received disability too!"

dad@hvn,ur spshl.we want wot u want&urth2b like hvn.giv us food&4giv r sins lyk we 4giv uvaz.don't test us!save us!bcos we kno ur boss, ur tuf&ur cool 4eva! ok?

E II R can be calculated into 666 :
666 = 37 x 18, R is number 18 in the alphabet, and E, letter No 5, and the 2 ( from II ) can be calculated into 37 in the following way: 3=5-2 ; 7=5+2.

Calculating ASCII-numbers of the "Queen":
E=69, L=76, I=73, Z=90, A=65, B=66, E=69, T=84, H=72
=> 69+76+73+90+65+66+69+84+72+=664
ELIZABETH II => 664 + 2 = 666

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

Jean Todt and Michael Schumacher die and go to see Saint Peter.- Sorry guys, you're both going to spend eternity in Hell, Saint Peter says, and they take the express elevator going down. They arrive at the waiting room and Saint Peter tells Schumacher to wait there while he shows Todt the ropes. There are terrible screams of horror from behind the door, and Schumacher is visibly scared as Saint Peter returns to get him.

- Mein Gott! What did you do to him? Schumacher asks, but Saint Peter doesn't answer.

- Michael, I want to introduce you to your partner for eternity, Saint Peter says, and in comes a complete MONSTER of an ugly woman (I'm sorry but I simply cannot describe her hideousness in writing).

- She will be by your side every second of eternity. She likes to do it all, and she won't take no for an answer. Now let me show you to your quarters. On their way through the corridors of Hell, they pass a half open door, and inside, Schumacher sees Jean Todt making love to Melinda Messenger.

- What the FUCK?!! Saint Peter! What the fuck is this?!!

- Oh, you mean Jean and Melinda?

- Obviously, he did much worse things than me! Why does he get to hump this lovely Mädchen, and you give me this MONSTER?!!

- You don't understand, Michael.

- Oh I understand! Obviously, he bribed you, the cheating frog!

- No, you don't understand, Michael. This is MELINDA'S penance

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

Mrs. Huxley arrived for her artificial insemination, and was surprised when the technician locked the door behind him and began taking off
his clothes. "Just what do you think you are doing?!" she demanded. "Sorry," said the young man. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. I have to serve you draft."

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

Q: What do you get if you cross Eddie Murphy with George Formby?
A: "Turned out nice mother-f*cker!"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh ! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask. "How big is my behind ?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen !
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to screw my best-friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dick-head you sent me instead !!!

Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A:Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll so you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ...

He was merely trying to help us!"

The lion answers;

"That little f@#ker! He makes me run around the forest like a f@#king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!

Ballads have traditionally commented on the doings of the aristocracy. This one appeared on uk.music.folk

A happy day, a happy day
The best one of the year
Lord Archer's wife went into court
The verdict for to hear

And when the judgement it was done
She cast her eyes about
And there she saw Inspector Plod
Watching her from the crowd

"Come down the nick, your Ladyship
Come down the nick, alright?
I'm after you, your Ladyship
Cos perjury aint right"

"Oh I can't go there, I won't go there
To be quest-ion'd tonight
By the things you say, I very much fear
I'm in the shit - that right?"

"Tis true I am Lord Archer's wife,
Lord Archer's not at home
He's held in maximum scurity,
Reaping what he's sown."

A red-top journo standing by
He heard the Lady's moan
He swore his editor he would know
And reached for his mobile phone.

And in his rush to report the news,
His shorthand notebook filled
Didn't look as he crossed the road
And by a bus was killed

The tired Inspector, he lay down
And took a little sleep
When he awoke Her Ladyship,
Was lolling round his feet

Saying: "How do you like my sexy dress
Fancy a turn with me?
And if you do, I'm asking you,
To let me off scott free."

"Oh well I like your sexy dress
Like any red-blooded male
I'll give you one, your Ladyship
THEN bang you up in jail."

"Get stuffed! Get stuffed!" the Lady sneered,
"I've got a hidden tape
I'll tell the whole of fair England
I was victim of your rape!"

"Oh bloody hell!" the copper swore,
"I really feel a clown
For you have got me bang to rights
Caught with my knickers down"

"Well it's true I have the evidence
To email, phone or fax
If you don't drop the perj'ry charge
I'm sending it to Max"

"And you will take the witness stand
And take it like a man
Then I will give MY evidence
And I'll damn you if I can."

The poor Inspector took the stand
To condemn the lady sore
But when she gave her evidence
His career was no more.

Then Lady Archer told the press:
"That copper lied 'bout me
Must've done the same in the previous trial
So set my Jeffrey free"

And then spoke up the tabloid press
As always, coarse and flagrant:
"We've got further evidence
That proves you far from fragrant"

Lady A saw the game was up
And loudly came her sighs
She stuck herself right through the heart
And expired before their eyes

"Tis grave tis grave" the red-tops cried
"This crooked woman's dead.
But we've a short attention span
So here's some tits instead"

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million
on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

Jelly Baby had developed am embarrassing rash so he thought he would go and see a doctor to get an expert opinion, the doctor examined him and then looked at Jelly Baby and said "I'm not sure what's wrong we'll have to take a sample, and you'll have to come back in two days".

Two days later he returns for the test result and the doctor says "We've got the result and it's as I suspected Jelly Baby, you've picked up a sexually transmitted disease" Jelly Baby looked at the doc and said "Well,is that it?".

4. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to shit and sink. But I come here to scratch my balls And read the bullshit on the walls.

5. Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: 'I FUCKED your mother!!!' Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'

6. Sign in the toilet said 'Please use the ashtray'. Guess what was in the ashtray?

7. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small printing... I had to lean WAY forward to read it... It said: 'You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!'

9. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and it doesn't take shit from anyone.

10. Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy and hard to light.

You determine to lose,
but which method to use?
They're all couched in such intricate terms

That you long to get hold
of those wise men of old
Who sponsored the Diet of Worms.

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgement Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

There was a haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

A journalist for the local paper was assigned to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

Just then the manager of the paper came by and asked him how the pictures turned out.

The following is supposed to be an actual excerpt from this month's Forbes Magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes.

Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

Even Tony Blair seemed to be moved by Mr Hague's last PMQs as Opposition Leader, telling his former combatant: "We shall all miss your wit and humour - perhaps not me, since I was the object of most of it. But we do wish you well for the future."

Then he suggested that there might not be room for Mr Hague on the Tory backbenches. "It's getting a little crowded there," refering to Michael Portillo, who quit frontbench politics on Tuesday.

But it was Mr Hague who stole the show, adding that he had found his clashes with Mr Blair to be "exciting, fascinating, fun and an enormous challenge - but, from my point of view, wholly unproductive".

"I have asked 1,118 questions...no one has counted the answers, but it might not take very long," he said.

However, it was the PM who managed to get the last laugh, in a final swipe at Mr Hague and Mr Portillo he ended the session by adding: "As the Two Ronnies would say, it's goodbye from Mr Boom and it's goodbye from Mr Bust."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Michael Portillo.
Michael Portillo who?
That's politics.

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.

Advice from a 1943 issue of the US magazine Transportation on women in the workforce

• Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

• When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

• General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

• Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

• Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

• Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

• Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to beless nervous and happier with change.

• Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

• Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do.

• Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

• Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

An Essex girl goes to the benefits office to put a claim in for child benefit. The claims assistant asks her: "So how many children do you have?"

She replies: "10."

"10? That's an awful lot of children. What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

The assistant is baffled. "Isn't it a bit hard when you want them to do something?"

"Nah, I just shout 'Wayne, go to bed' or 'Wayne, tidy up' and they all do it. It's great!" the girl says.

"But what about if you just need to ask just one of them to do something?"

"No problem mate. I just call them by their surnames."

SAN FRANCISCO - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday.

"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and cold and he said, like, great weather, or something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather."

Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future. "I'm like saying it all the time." he said.

"Weekend last I was like grilling steaks and I like burned them to hell and I said 'great weather'."

One day a man with a parrot on his head, walked into the reception of a hospital.The lady at the reception asks "what can i do for you sir" the parrot replies "can you get this stupid man off my feet."
Thanks to Kieran Mace for that one!

Q: What are the "Man's Three Rules When Getting Old?"
A: Never pass a bathroom, don't waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
A: To run their fingers through their hair.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."

Blonde Learns To Fly A Helicopter

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Q: How do you define eternal?
A: Four blondes in four cars at four stop signs.

Pincus the tailor

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made us were not black. They were sort of dark gray maybe, but not black. We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest black cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "There is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nuns' habits from...and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two Hassidim were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied, "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"

He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

The Project Manager

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,"I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage.

"Hey, that one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager."

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

The Giant

There was once a giant who was so tall he couldn't see below the clouds, he was so tall he could speak to God face to face.

One day he said to God "I bet I can tell where Iam, anywhere in the world, just by feeling my way around".

So he started walking, he felt a great big point up his arse! So he said "That was the Eiffel tower, I must be in France".

God said "Yes, correct, carry on" so he did. Soon he felt something hit him in the balls, and then heard an almighty crash, he said "That must have been the leaning tower of pizza, I'm in Italy"

God said "Yes correct, carry on" so he did. He walked a bit further, then "Oi!!" he said,

"What" said God, "My watch has gone, I must be in Liverpool"

Q. What's the difference between a band leader and a gynecologist?
A. A band leader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits.
(Thanks to James Erskine for that one)

All the Queen's horses

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated State visit to England. Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-Century coach hitched to six enormous white horses.

The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly, the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.

Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought... you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Court transcript

The following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently was posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

*The Court:* You mean read it?

*Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

*The Court:* Well, it does say that.

(Pause.)

*The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed.

*Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes.

(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a
deposition.)

*Mr. Buck:* But Judge...

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Mr. Buck:* We object.

*The Court:* Sustained. Next witness.

End transcript.

Lunatic asylum

Late one night at the lunatic asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT."

Bow tie

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Last request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Marital sexual habits

A little known fact about marital sexual habits is that most wives close their eyes when they feel their husbands nearing a climax. It's not so much from the extra stimuli or anything...

It's just that most wives can't stand to see their husbands enjoying
themselves

Q. Why is a man like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up

Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.

Q: Why do men swim faster than women?
A: Because they have a rudder

Q. Do you know where you can find sympathy?
A. In the dictionary, somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Men vs Guys

Men.....know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys....are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men.....really know how to make you relax.
Guys....really know how to make you laugh.

Men.....read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys....read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men.....make a lot of money before they are 30.
Guys....make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Men.....wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys....wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men.....think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys....think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men.....balance their checkbooks.
Guys....balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy -- twice in a row.

Men.....claim to be feminists but still insist on opening doors, driving and paying for dinner.
Guys....claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive and pay for dinner.

Men.....have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Guys....have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Men.....are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys....are afraid of becoming men.

Men.....put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys....pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men.....start their own businesses.
Guys....quit their jobs.

Men.....are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys....are experts on their own most erogenous zone.

Men.....order wine based on more than the price.
Guys....bring their own beer.

Men.....break up with you by shaking hands and saying they're sorry you didn't like the same movies and the sex wasn't very good, but they hope you can still work together on the Chicago deal.
Guys....break up with you by standing you up, avoiding your calls, and then, when you finally run into each other, acting as if they can't quite place you.

A meaning for life

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

Which proves:

that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer
your life will not be completely full without a beer.

Oath to a friend

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get

When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

And when you are lost, I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.

When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

What is it?

Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

The answer is: "A Last Name."

Good night out?

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night."

The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night."

The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"

An English guy is screwing an Irish girl. The girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that!! I don't want to get that again...!"

Strings attached

A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot.

He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied: "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam' ".

The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up... "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"

Bears

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded, "Of course..."

"The Czech is in the male."

3 pints

A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Englishman says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!"

What airline do vampires travel on?
British Scareways.

The Death of Black Magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Angina

It was reported today that there was a heated discussion at a White House staff meeting about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas" The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has acute angina

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys....

all on different limbs...

at different levels...

some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of
smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
assholes.

Balls

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate
America's recreation preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

Cell-phone implant

Early one Friday evening, in one of the less salubrious pubs in Stevenage Old Town, a smartly dressed city-type walks into the public bar and orders a gin and tonic.

This, in itself, is enough to procure a fat lip in many such establishments and the barman notes that certain elements are already looking askance at the newcomer. There are no further developments until the customer takes his left hand out of his pocket, pokes it lightly a few times with the index finger of his right hand and starts speaking into it.

At this point the barman's apprehension turns to panic and as soon as the chap stops talking, he says "Listen mate, I don't know what you're game is, but I'd be careful if I was you. There's some right 'ead-cases in 'ere and if you carry on like that..."

"No you don't understand, I was calling the wife to tell her to put the chips on", replies the other.

The barman is baffled "You what?"

"You see I've had a cell-phone implanted into my hand"

The barman insists on seeing this for himself, finding the whole story totally unbelievable. So the man shows the barman the keypad in the palm of his hand, the speaker in the tip of his middle finger and the microphone in that kind of hillock where our thumb is attached - whatever it's called.

Anyway, after about ten minutes nature calls and the chap disappears to the toilet. When he doesn't reappear for a quarter of an hour or so, the barman decides he'd better go and see if everything is OK.

On entering the Gent's his worst fears seem to be realised as he observes his new friend, prostrate on the floor, with his trousers and pants around his ankles and a roll of toilet paper jammed between his buttocks.

"Are you alright mate?" he cries "Did you see who done it?".

The man lying on the floor looks up and replies: "Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just sending a fax".

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

Nose Picking Glossary

The Kiddie Pick - When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick - When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch - When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making a meal out of it - You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings - When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick - The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.

Pick your brains - Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick and Save - When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick and Roll - No explanation needed.

Pick and Flick - Ditto.

Pick and Stick - You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Paydirt - The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"

Big tummy

A little boy walks into his parents' bedroom to find his mother on top of his father, humping up and down. The mother spots her son and dismounts as the boy leaves the room. Worried about what her son has seen,the mom quickly dresses and goes to find him in his bedroom. The son asks,"What were you doing to Daddy, Mom?"
The Mom replies, "Well, you know how Dad has a big tummy?"
The boy answers, "Yes he sure does."
"Well, I have to get on it sometimes to help flatten it," explained Mom.
The boy says, "You're just wasting your time, that will never work."
The Mom is confused, "Why not, son?"
"Because whenever you go shopping, the lady across the street comes over, gets down on her knees in the bedroom, and blows his tummy back up!"

PMS

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even care that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for DAYS before they figured it out. AND, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!!! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

New parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teanage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are sitting at home bored. Watson says "Mr Holmes what can we do - we have solved all the murder
cases and I am bored"

Sherlock says "Let's Play a game - drop your trousers and bend over" Watson reluctantly obliges with a look of concern on his face. At which point Sherlock Holmes picks up a lemon cake off the tea trolley and begins to smear lemon curd all over Dr Watson's naked backside.

Watson (now rather embarrassed) says "What are you doing Holmes - what the jiggins is going on?!!!!??"

Sherlock Holmes undoes his breeches and calmly replies "Lemon entry my dear Watson"

How far behind do you walk?

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

An Essex girl

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is lying trapped and covered in blood. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK, I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: "OK."
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic:"OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?"
Girl: "Romford"

Horse ride

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....

The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

Tommy Cooper jokes

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

I went to the doctor and said 'It hurts when I press here, here, and here.' He said 'You've broken your finger'

I went to the doctor and said 'I keep having these terrible dreams - all these beautiful women keep running towards me, and I keep pushing them away. They keep running towards me, and I still keep pushing them away'. The doctor said 'What do you want me to do?' I said 'Break my arms'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novacane during root canal treatment?
A: He was attempting to transcend dental medication!

The dangers of bread

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Bob Hope jokes on 98th birthday

Veteran comedian and entertainer Bob Hope was in joke-cracking form when he celebrated his 98th birthday today.

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more that the cake!" quipped the performer, who has famously entertained troops since World War II.

Grave mistake

A man burned his bottom sitting on the Arc de Triomphe's eternal flame in Paris as he tried to put it out. The flame has been burning since 1921 over a grave containing the remains of a soldier who died in World War I, reports the Metro.

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye beat the shit out of him.

2 new pick-up lines

"I may not be Fred Flintstone but i bet i could make your Bedrock"

Lick your finger and wipe it on her clothes and say "let me get you out of those wet clothes"

Thanks to Emma and her sis! for those

Losing time

A man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"

The man thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The man thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the man takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Jeffrey Archer's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Poorly arm

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor replied "well don't go there any more"

Time sheets

A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details. Peter : How old are you?
The accountant : 33
Peter : That's impossible!
The accountant : Why?
Peter : I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that your have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97!

Political language

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections so much so that they communicate about everything in political language.

One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature."

The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this." The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.

After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature."

Husband, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit."

Help!

A helpdesk administrator was doing the rounds in the personnel department on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of a PC with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Magic show

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at him.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

Mmm... cookies

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Get off" she said: "they're for the funeral."

Arithmetic

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Prostitute Or A Consultant?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends youto another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great,but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Q: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand...

The Mummy Returns

Last night Lady Thatcher admitted that she was a horror monster coming back from the dead when she said: "It turns out that you were expecting me after all. For the billboard read: 'The Mummy Returns'"

New Labour...
...punching their way to victory

Meet the people

Tony Blair, told John Prescott to go out and 'meet the people', unfortunately John obviously misheard and went out to 'beat the people' instead

Two robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big, fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."

I stopped taking tranquilizers... I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

Petry Syndrome

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that'. The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class'.

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?' The old man said: 'I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think.'

Then one of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome'. And the old man said: 'you thought, but you're wrong. Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome'. And the old man said: 'you thought, but you're wrong.' So they asked him: 'so what do you have?' And the old man said: 'I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong'

A Panda escapes from London Zoo

OK, there's this panda, and he escapes from London zoo, and he's walking around town, and he thinks "I could really do with a shag!" So off he goes down to Kings Cross station, hoping he can find someone to shag.

When he gets there, he finds a lady in a short pvc skirt, high heels, fishnet stockings, low cut top, and loads of makeup. "hello, I'm a panda, will you shag me?" he says. "Sure, honey, I'm a prostitute, I'll shag anyone" she replies.

So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"

The prostitute gives him some sandwiches, then some chips, then a jar of pickled onions she finds in the fridge. At which point, the panda is begining to feel realy randy, so takes the prostitute into the bedroom, and proceed to shag her senseless, untill there is panda cum all over her, over the bed, over the curtains, in fact, there is panda cum everywhere.

Afterwards, the panda gets up and starts to leave. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"

Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"

Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"

Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"

She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"

Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."

Prostitute says, "So."

Panda says, "Look it up."

So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."

Poorly arm

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor replied "well don't go there any more"

President of the United States

"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." Yale grad President Bush addressing graduating students at his alma mater.

Q: Did you hear about the holy rabbi in Jerusalem who had to get a divorce?
A: He kept losing interest on his wife.

A mother superior is going round a primary school up the Falls, talking about Jesus and stuff, and what the kids were going to do with their lives. She got onto what they wanted to be when they grew up. One girl said she wanted to be a nurse, which was well recived, one said she wanted to be a doctor, and was told that was very good. The next girl said she wanted to be a prostitute, at which the mother superior fainted. After slapping her face ang getting the smelling salts out, she eventually came round and asked the girl "What did you say you want to be when you grow up?" To which the girl replied "I want to be a prostitute." "Ahh" she replied, "That's OK, I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant!"

A foursome of ladies was standing on a tee when a streaker ran across the fairway in front of them. One lady asks, "Is that Dick Green?" Another replied, "No, I think it's just the reflection off of
the grass...."

Q. Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
A. Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with her hands down her knickers?
A. Self-employed!

Q. What can jelly babies do that real men can't?
A. Come in six different colours!

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete he said, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English, you're just lazy," the doctor replied. "Okay," the man said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, 'Where are you going?' The elderly man replied, 'To the
doctor.' Surprised his wife asked 'Why, are you sick?' 'No,' he said, 'I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.' With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater. Surprised, he asked, 'Where are you going?' 'I'm going to the doctor, too'. 'Why?' She said, matter-of-factly, 'If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.'

Prescott's boss Tony Blair, told him to go out and 'meet the people'.
John obviously misheard him and went out to 'beat the people'.

One evening, a lonely man was contemplating another Friday night with the bunny mags, when he decided that it no longer was enough. He needed a woman! Knowing the only woman he could get was one he paid for, he wandered down to the brothel, and spoke to the madame. "Have you anything for me tonight?" he asks sheepishly.
"I'm sorry sir," she replies. "Were completely booked up. The only thing we have available is a chicken." The gentleman is taken aback by the suggestion, but being desperate, he agrees. "Room 13." The madame says.
The gentleman goes into room 13, and lo and behold there's a chicken hopping about on the floor. The man is actually quite turned on by this, and has his way with the poor creature to his extreme delight. He finishes the job, pays the madame, and leaves.
The next night, the gent is thinking about his new found bestiality, and wants more of the same. He goes back to the brothel, and asks for another chicken. "I'm sorry sir, were out of chickens, but Room 12 you might like."
So the man goes into room 12, and sees another gent with his pants down, whacking himself off as he looks through a hole in the wall. The man looks through himself and sees three women giving a horse a blow-job.
"Jesus!" says the chicken molester. "This is great!"
"Should have come in last night, "said the other man, "There was this bloke buggering a chicken...."

Behind every great man is a great woman ... and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's licence?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding the limit
Officer:
May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Who's car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies, sorry we don't serve food here.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

A member of a seventeenth century French military unit used to entertain the troops by performing slight of hand tricks and other feats of prestidigitation. His grand finale was to make himself disappear in a cloud of vapor. This caused one of his compatriots to exclaim, "Amazing! There he goes, puff, the magic dragoon!"

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

When shop floor workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls

"This is a newsflash - a missing page of the bible has been discovered. Initial translations are interpreted to mean the following: This book is entirely fictional. Any connection between characters or events in this book with real life are purely coincidental"

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on...

This guy goes to see his Doctor, "Doc" he says, "I've got a problem, every minute of every day I've got Delilah running through my head, I catch myself humming it and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife even says I sing it in my sleep, it's driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?" The Doctor replies, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me" "Is it a rare disorder?", the guy asks, to which the Doctor answers, "It's not unusual."

God comes down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to build me another Ark"
And Noah says "Of course, oh Lord."

And God says "But it must be bigger than the last Ark - I want it 10 floors high."
And Noah says "Lord, I shall build you an Ark that is 10 floors high and then I will fill the Ark with 2 animals from each of the amazing and beautiful animals that you have created ..."

But God interrupts and says "No, I don't want 2 - just 1"
And Noah says "Very well, oh Lord, I shall fill the Ark with just 1 of each of the beautiful species that you have created"

Mary's pigs had foot and mouth
'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling
'Now all I've got is one black field
'And fourteen tons of crackling....

Welsh RSPCA Office, Radio 5 Live
"...it seems the welfare of animals has been put on the back-burner."