Jeffrey Archer Jokes

Spot the difference

Q: How can you tell when Lord Archer is lying?
A: His lips are moving...

A folk song for Lord Archer

Ballads have traditionally commented on the doings of the aristocracy. This one appeared on uk.music.folk

A happy day, a happy day
The best one of the year
Lord Archer's wife went into court
The verdict for to hear

And when the judgement it was done
She cast her eyes about
And there she saw Inspector Plod
Watching her from the crowd

"Come down the nick, your Ladyship
Come down the nick, alright?
I'm after you, your Ladyship
Cos perjury aint right"

"Oh I can't go there, I won't go there
To be quest-ion'd tonight
By the things you say, I very much fear
I'm in the shit - that right?"

"Tis true I am Lord Archer's wife,
Lord Archer's not at home
He's held in maximum scurity,
Reaping what he's sown."

A red-top journo standing by
He heard the Lady's moan
He swore his editor he would know
And reached for his mobile phone.

And in his rush to report the news,
His shorthand notebook filled
Didn't look as he crossed the road
And by a bus was killed

The tired Inspector, he lay down
And took a little sleep
When he awoke Her Ladyship,
Was lolling round his feet

Saying: "How do you like my sexy dress
Fancy a turn with me?
And if you do, I'm asking you,
To let me off scott free."

"Oh well I like your sexy dress
Like any red-blooded male
I'll give you one, your Ladyship
THEN bang you up in jail."

"Get stuffed! Get stuffed!" the Lady sneered,
"I've got a hidden tape
I'll tell the whole of fair England
I was victim of your rape!"

"Oh bloody hell!" the copper swore,
"I really feel a clown
For you have got me bang to rights
Caught with my knickers down"

"Well it's true I have the evidence
To email, phone or fax
If you don't drop the perj'ry charge
I'm sending it to Max"

"And you will take the witness stand
And take it like a man
Then I will give MY evidence
And I'll damn you if I can."

The poor Inspector took the stand
To condemn the lady sore
But when she gave her evidence
His career was no more.

Then Lady Archer told the press:
"That copper lied 'bout me
Must've done the same in the previous trial
So set my Jeffrey free"

And then spoke up the tabloid press
As always, coarse and flagrant:
"We've got further evidence
That proves you far from fragrant"

Lady A saw the game was up
And loudly came her sighs
She stuck herself right through the heart
And expired before their eyes

"Tis grave tis grave" the red-tops cried
"This crooked woman's dead.
But we've a short attention span
So here's some tits instead"

I hear that when he's next in court and is asked to swear on the bible he'll say 'I wrote that'.

Jeffry Archer and Help Desk

"Help Desk, what appears to be the problem?."

"Ah, I'm having a little problem with WORD."

"And the nature of this problem, Sir?

"I've just written another novel and I can't get the text to justify..."

"....is it Full Justification you're after, Mister....?"

"Archer, Jeffrey Archer. I'm quite well known in writing circ...."

"Sorry, Sir. Nothing can justify another Jeffrey Archer novel. Good day."

I note that Jeffrey Archer has been charged with, amongst other things, 'using a false instrument'. Surely he didn't deceive Monica as well?

"I saw Jeffrey Archer lying in the street the other day...
Actually, he was just in the street; I'm only assuming he was lying!"

Losing time

A man dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"

The man thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The man thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the man takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the centre of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Jeffrey Archer's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."