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Subcategory Manchester United jokes

Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

The Reds know best...

Reds know best

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

Alec F is visiting Highbury..Arsene W tells him that foreign footballers are more intelligent than home grown..."i dont think so " says Alec..AW calls Denis Berkamp over "Your fathers son is not your brother who is he?" "oh thats easy" says denis "its me"...

Next day Alec calls David b in.."tell me son,..your fathers son is not your brother who is he"? David thinks and says" can I think about it boss and come back to you?" That night he asks Victoria the same question.."I'm not sure" she says "phone Jaap Stam he'll know". DB phones JS and asks "thats easy he says its me"

Next day Db goes to see the boss " i've worked it out he says its Jaap Stam" "Get off you daft bugger" says Alec "its Denis Berkamp"

Three Liverpool Supporters were in a pub and spotted a United fan at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the United fan and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a poof".
"Really? I didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Scouser walked back to his buddies.
"I told him Beckham was a poof and he didn't care"!
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second Scouser walked over and tapped the United fan on the shoulder.
"Hey Manc, I hear your David Beckham is a transvestite poof"!
"Oh, Christ I wasn't aware of that, thanks".
Shocked beyond belief, the Scouser went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Scouser said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch".
The Scouser walked over to the United fan, tapped him on the shoulder and said.........

"Hey Manc I hear your David Beckham is a Liverpool Supporter!"
"Apparently so. Just as your mates said earlier"

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea

Q: What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?
A: Scenery...

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson's after-match interview and childbirth?
A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one's just having a baby.

Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"

Tributes have been pouring in over the sad news of the death of Sir Stanley Matthews last Wednesday;
Kevin Keegan said he was "a legend"
George Best described his talent as "sublime"
Bobby Charlton called him "a Brazilian in an England shirt"
Gary Lineker was quote as saying "he was the last great gentleman of the game"
David Beckham said "Its a real shame. Posh and I loved his Turkey Drummers. They're bootiful"

Harry Redknapp was driving away from Upton Park after a recent home win. Harry had drunk a couple of celebratory beers and was in good humour. As he approached a pedestrian crossing he noticed a couple of low life in Man U kit starting to cross. Unfortunately Harry braked too late and collided with the pair. One of them span up through the windscreen of Harry's Merc and the other bounced off down the High Street rolling around in agony. P.C.Plod arrives and Harry explained "Sorry guv I didn't see them until it was too late". The constable,being a good Hammers fan says "Don't worry Mr Redknapp I'll book this one (pointing to the one embedded into the windscreen) for breaking and entering and I'll do the other arsehole for leaving the scene of the accident.

Beckham, Giggs & Cole were training on a Wednesday afternoon when Cole says, 'why don’t we scive off? The boss leaves at noon on Wednesdays & never calls or rings or nowt, he’d never know!'

They all scived off & Cole went to the pictures, Giggs went to the zoo (like the good welsh lad he is) & Beckham thought he would surprise his missus. He arrived home to find A.F wedged firmly up posh spice.

Next Wednesday afternoon, Cole scum suggested they scive off again, Giggs scum agreed but Beckham scum said “No fear, I nearly got caught last week”

There's a fiery crash involving a limosine not far from Old Trafford. The passengers are burned almost beyond recognition, but it's believed that Butt was one of them. So the coroner calls his mates Cole and Beckham to identify the body. Neither can tell by looking at the face, so Cole says "Roll him over."
"Yeh, roll him over," says Beckham, "then we'll be able to tell if it's him."
"How will that help?" asks the coroner.
"If there's two arseholes, it's him." replies Cole.
"Two arseholes? How do you know he had two arseholes?" asks the coroner.
"Everybody knows that." says Beckham. "Every time the three of us showed up at the ground together somebody was sure to say "Here comes that Butt with those two arseholes."

2 man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers £1.

One said 'great value! lets buy some.'

Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves.

They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each.

The assistant asked "are you Man u fans" to which they replied "yes".

He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.' --------

A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."

The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, “Potatoes".

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

What shall we do with the Man U bastards?
What shall we do with the Man U bastards?
What shall we do with the Man U bastards?
Early in the morning?

Shoot, shoot, shoot the bastards
Shoot, shoot, shoot the bastards
Shoot, shoot, shoot the bastards
Early in the morning.

(to the tune of Drunken Sailor)

Why does Sir Alex Ferguson make squelching noises as he walks??
'Cause he's a f**king cunt!!!!


Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call "Hello boss, it's David Beckham "Yes David what can I do for you?"

"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible" "What's it supposed be?" "The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game" Ferguson starts to panic now. "I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go"

"Cheers boss, that's brilliant"

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. "David, put the fucking cornflakes back in the box"

Man UTD Fan

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".



HATE MAN U  Lets all have a laugh at the red shite!

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