Across the pubs of England, a chant has started up in honour of the Liverpudlian manchild: "He’s fat, he’s Scouse, he’ll rob your fucking house."
A man is walking his three-legged dog in the park when he comes across a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish." "Can you make my dog win Crufts?" asks the man. "What with only three legs? Wish again." the genie retorts. "OK" says the man, "Can you make England win Euro 2004 then?" The genie ponders a while before saying "let's see that dog again....."
Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: What do a three-pin plug and the England football team have in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
Q. Why do English men make better lovers than the french?
A. Because the English can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second!
'Hey, Tot, how far is Denmark?' a team-mate asks. 'Within spitting distance.'
Q. What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Bulgaria?
A. OJ Simpson had a more credible defence
Rumours that Michael Ballack was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Portuguese nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the German FA. The chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to, or at, anyone."
Q. What's the difference between the Italians and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."
A man had great tickets for the Euro 2004 final. As he sits down, John comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said John. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was Supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Euro Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
"They're all at the funeral".
Yes, I also think Gary Neville is a bit of a prat.
- Sim, eu penso que Gary Neville é um pouco imbecil.
- Well no, I'm not actually David Beckham himself - but I can text just like
- Não, eu não sou o David Beckam em pessoa, mas sou capaz de escrever como ele!
- Is there a shop nearby that sells Burberry caps?
- Existe uma loja perto que venda gorros Burberry?
- No, Mr Policeman, that is not a head-lock - it's a hug.
- Não, Sr. Policia, isto não é um estrangulamento - isto é um abraço.
- Sorry your Honour, but in England it's considered 'polite' to greet an
attractive stranger by baring your buttocks. Or breasts.
- Desculpe Excelência, mas em Inglaterra é considerada uma gentileza saudar um estranho mostrando as nádegas. Ou os seios.
- 427 of your cheapest beers for me and my friends, please, Mr Barman...
- 427 cervejas da mais barata, para mim e para os meus amigos, por favor, Barman...
- Do you know anywhere that sells English food? Like a kebab or chicken tikka
- Conhece algum sitio onde vendam comida Inglesa? Como espetadas, ou frango tikka masala?
- Sorry, I don't understand any foreign language. I am English.
- Desculpe, mas eu não entendo nenhum idioma estrangeiro. Eu sou Inglês.
- Yes, I always go this colour in the sun. Don't you like pink, missy?
- Sim, eu fico sempre desta cor quando estou ao sol. Não gosta de cor-de-rosa, senhorita?
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