On May Day, the girls of Penzance,
Being bored with the lack of romance,
Joined the Workers' Parade
With their banner displayed --
"What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!"
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she: "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of Paris.
Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
Oedipus said to the Sphinx:
"My name's been perverted by shrinks.
Who'd think Jocasta'd
Call me a bastard?I think psychiatry stinks."
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
There once was a lad named Kevin
Whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his cock
When it was hard as a rock,
And it was ten inches long...minus seven.
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all
There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
There was a young girl from France
Who got on a train, by chance.
The engineer fucked her,
As did the conductor,
And the brakeman came in his pants.
There was a young gal from Montana
Who had an affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
Loved it and teased it, and said
It tastes better than a mana."
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
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