Awful rude jokes from The Joke File

Bride and Broom

Two brooms were going to get married, before the ceromony, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk broom." The groom broom said to the bride broom, "How can that be possible? we haven't even swept together!"'

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in
Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a
jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't
get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good
time. He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan. One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"
He replies, "Rick Venus"
She says, "Lick Penus?"
He says, "Sure how much?"

The first time I went to a chemist to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, ‘Compared to what?’

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm bigger than that.’

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ‘I'm about that big.’

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.

While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" The children then produced a very cute baby skunk.

The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this.

While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him.

He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"

The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

‘For example,’ he suggested, ‘you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.’

‘Well, okay,’ the hesitant wife agreed, ‘but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second...’ she continued, ‘you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.’

A man is running through the hospital when he accidently runs straight into the breasts of one hell of a nice looking nurse.

The man, suprised by her soft tits says, "If your heart is as soft as your tits, you surely will forgive me."

The nurse looks the man up and down, licks her lips and then says, "mmm... well if your dick is as hard as your elbow meet me in room nine."

Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How come?"

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I'm going over to visit my wife!" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you?"

John asked. "Why would I want you to come?" Bob asked. "Because that's my cock your holding in your hand."

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, ‘I'm only here to listen to the music.’

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes both men and women?
A bisexual built for 2.

On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that good champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles.

However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much. He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue! You nasty bitch, why'd you piss in the tub!?"

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Well, strip down to your waist," he orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one of her tits.

There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service. Could you change it yourself?"

The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked,

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten pound notes.

He asks his wife, "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

When I was young and had no sense
I stuck my dick in an electric fence
it singed my hair and tickled my balls
I shit all over my new overalls .