Today's Quote for the Day comes from Bono of U2, explaining why he would never want to run for the presidency of the United States:

"I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house."

Arnie Sworn In
Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in today as the new governor of California. He gave his solemn oath that he would crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of the women.

Bad day for Max Factor

Cosmetics heir and fugitive rapist Andrew Luster, great-grandson of makeup legend Max Factor, was captured in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico yesterday by a bounty hunter. Luster had jumped a $1 million bail and fled the US during his trial for drugging and then raping three women. He was sentenced to 124 years in prison, a sentence he began serving today.

The rest of the Factor family was said to be in hiding, avoiding all contact with the press, deeply embarrassed by having such a bad heir day.

This is the joke that caused Bee Gee Robin Gibb to launch a furious attack on comic Graham Norton and say that he would "rip his head off" if the two ever met.

"I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive."

Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."

• Where did Harry Potter come from?
• James Bond
• JFK Jr.
• The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
• Cut from 'Have I got News for You'
• The Simpson's at the movies
• Words of wisdom from the immortal Swiss Tony
• Michael Jackson jokes
• Stunning Report from Beckingham Palace
• Queen Mother Jokes
• Presidency for Dummies (Picture)
• Harold Shipman Jokes

WASHINGTON D.C. (REUTERS)
Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one.

Apparently the U.S. were turned down when they offered to help Russia out with the Kursk submarine rescue mission. They offered to send over Monica Lewinsky to suck out all the seamen.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: Why can't Jill Dando go drinking?
A: One shot goes straight to her head !

Q: What's the similarity between Jill Dando and George Best?
A: They both finished their careers at Fulham

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

Dont forget to check out OJ Simpsons site, at WWW.slash-slash-backslash-escape

Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?
Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

- "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Other stuff

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• Titanic ghosts (picture)