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Thought for the Day: A Pun Is Its Own Reword

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.

[More Saddam Jokes]

US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

What do you call a mushroom that runs into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone?
I guess that would be a Fun Guy.

It has just been reported that miniature fighter planes piloted by specially trained circus midgets, have flown several shorties against Iraq today.

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

A pregnant woman from Oklahoma gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Arkansas came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"


"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm afraid not"

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?... in Iraq

There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a burly pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.

The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they're getting on really well.

They are just about to take the A-Roads "back to their place" when a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table.

Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've blown it with the A-Roads.

The first A-road asks the Motorway "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that pink piece of tarmac walked in -- you're supposed to be the king of the roads?".

The Motorway replies, "WHY? That guy's a fucking Cycle Path!!"

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

Q:Which Knight drools alot?
A:Sir Liva

Q:Which Knight makes pottery?
A:Sir Amic

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence. "Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren."

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