War in Iraq
A message from Iraq
New Iraqi Freedom T-shirt
For months, soldiers at Camp Doha, Kuwait, have been wearing
T-shirts that say, "Operation Iraqi Freedom: Mission Accomplished."
But recently a new T-shirt has appeared suggesting that the mission may be more
It reads, "Operation Iraqi Freedom: Established 2003."
[From article by Michael R. Gordon in the NY Times, Nov. 7,
Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq. Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India." Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks." There is a long pause as three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
600 Iraqi soldiers have just entered Jordan.
What the fuck is she doing there?!?!
Saddam has just given a TV interview. He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total shite on Saturday. British Government said "That could have been recorded months ago"
New spokesman for Tottenham Hotspur
Will the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime, Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed Sahhaf has been appointed the new spokesman for Tottenham Hotspur. Here are excerpts from his first press briefing in his new roles.
"We are enjoying a tremendous season. We look forward to hoisting the
Premiership trophy this year as we continue to crush our foes."
"We are currently in the process of major renovations to our front office so that we will be able to accommodate the 15-20 trophies we will win over the next five years."
"Our players our the strongest, most skilled in the world. Their biggest fear is falling asleep during matches as they are bored by the lack of competition."
"Our manager is a tactical genius and will make people forget the names Busby, Shankly, Chapman and Clough."
"Our youth development program is the best in the world. We have an under-11 team that would win Division 1 right now."
"Spurs fans are the most knowledgeable, most intelligent fans in Europe. Any one of them could step in and coach in the Premiership today."
"Our victories over our rival Arsenal will be swift and merciless. We will beat them by double-digit scores. The referees will call the games at halftime in an effort to save the dignity of the other team."
New Iraqi Beer
The Iraqi government came out with a new beer.
It's called "Scud Light".
The only problem......
It takes 11 or 12 of em' before it hits ya!!!!!
Strain of Iraq war showing on Bush, those who know him say
From today's issue of "USA Today" newspaper: "People who know Bush well say the strain of war is palpable. He rarely jokes with staffers these days and occasionally startles them with sarcastic putdowns. He's being hard on himself; he gave up sweets just before the war began."
Well, f*ck me. Saddam better watch his ass. Bush is angry... *and he's given up sweets*!
Time to bomb Saddam
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor
that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France
in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely
wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide:
Do you: -
A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?
or do you: -
B) Tape it and watch it in the morning
More jokes about the French
The gulf war two drinking game
Football 365: War Lads Get A Hiding
Military jargon explained
It's OK, I've found him
The President announced that he is agreeing to deploying additional inspectors throughout Iraq.
Top Ten Reasons Why Canada can not join USA in the War on Iraq
American quotes about Iraq
Do you know enough to justify going to war with Iraq?
HILLARY CLINTON'S REVENGE
Experts with newscaster on CNN 24th March.
3 yank experts including a former 2-star general from delta force, 1 ex SAS and the network's anchor.
Footage of iraqis giving themselves up.
anchor: We have no verification as of yet if
they are british or american troops taking these POW's
yank1: Only americans wear boots like that, they're american
yank 2: I agree, and they appear to have american camouflage jackets.
yank 3 (delta force bloke): I'm not so sure, there's not enough up-close detail to tell 100%, we'd need some close images to tell make of boots and jackets and maybe the shape of their kevlar headgear.
Ex SAS man: Call yourselves experts? Since when did US forces use an SA80 as a standard issue rifle? Their DPM's can be bought as can boots so you're chasing rainbows if you want to identify them from their clothes.
anchor: I think you're right.
Ex SAS man: Course I'm bloody right. Any one with half a brain and basic military training worth their salt should be able to identify a British soldier by his rifle. Not to mention the fact they're covering all points properly, not shouting "woo yeah" randomly, and haven't raised a flag in direct contravention with orders.
At this point 1 of the yanks walks off stage tearing his mic off, and the anchor says "I think we can safely say the soldiers on your screen are British. Now for these messages".
fade to ad break/
How do you stop an advancing Iraqi tank?
Shoot the guy who's pushing it.
CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction
faces peace pretzel flood
After the diplomatic friction between France and the US over war in Iraq, food is fast becoming the new theatre of transatlantic tension.
Al Jazeera TV....
...debuts "I'm a Dictator, Get Me Out of Here!" to record audience .
Q: Why is George Bush so confident that his soldiers will not
shoot themselves in the foot in Iraq?
A: Because there are British feet to shoot at.
1945: A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. Now: A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
Confucius Say about War: "War not determine who right. War determine who left."
The Commandments of Operational Security
I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.
THE WAR IS OFF!
'Twas the night before war...
'Twas the night before war, and all through the homeland,
Not a dissenter was stirring, by Ashcroft's command;
With Cheney all comfy, at an undisclosed location,
And Dubya on TV, destroying our nation.
The children were nestled, all duct-taped in beds,
While visions of dirty bombs danced in their heads;
Mamma and I listened to Dubya's obsession,
And then settled down for a long decade's recession.
When out on CSPAN there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
I grabbed the remote and turned up the sound,
Expecting King George was about to be crowned.
The Congressman stirred, they seemed rather nervous,
that George would announce the end of their service.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a presidential candidate, who looked oddly sincere.
A charming old lady, small but impressive,
I knew in a moment, she's a Progressive.
More rapid than eagles Dubya's coursers they came,
They whistled, and shouted, and doled out the blame.
"It's the liberals! The feminists! The gays, and that peacenik!
It's the French!, and the atheists!, and that stupid Dixie Chick!
They caused our crisis, not to mention the single moms.
Now get out of here lady, we've got a country to bomb!"
And then with a twinkling the old lady spoke,
Bush paced and he grimaced, his ears nearly smoked.
She talked of the future in her quiet calm way,
She talked about how, we all might live on that day.
The streams, how they twinkled! the lands how green!
The economy recovered, and new jobs to be seen.
The shouts continued, but she kept promoting her plan,
To change the whole world, over a twenty-year span.
Our dependence on oil causes no end of grief,
We must change our economy, was her ardent belief.
The middle class tax burden we could all bear,
If the companies based in Bermuda, would pay their fair share.
Bush stomped from the chamber and clenched his teeth,
The smoke from his ears encircled his head like a wreath;
I notice Perle's face, and a little round belly,
And how his jowls shook when enraged, like a bowlful of jelly.
I awoke on the couch from my short little doze,
On the TV I saw Dubya, still listing our foes.
The old lady who spoke was only a dream,
If a worthy candidate will run, remains to be seen.
The Democrats are spineless, the opposition a joke.
The media won't insult advertisers, and risk going broke.
But the future can change, a wise man once wrote,
And I know one thing for certain, I can't wait to go vote.
GULF WARS EPISODE II CLONE OF THE ATTACK
The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII. [Word Document]
It has just been reported that miniature fighter planes piloted by specially trained circus midgets, have flown several shorties against Iraq today.
WILL THE REAL SADDAM NOW STEP FORWARD PLEASE? (Picture)
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
[More jokes about the French]
Q: "Mr. President, can you prove that Iraq has weapons
of mass destruction?"
A: "Yes. We kept the receipts."
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.
H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III
More Protest signs
A Just War Isn't Just A War....
It isn't the cause we deplore.
Your attack on Iraq is much more.
By asserting your right
To use military might,
It seems like you're settling a score.
World opinion, you simply ignore,
Forgetting what "U.N." stands for.
And you side-step a vote
Just to get France's goat,
Spelling U.N. with "useless" once more.
It's one thing, defending our shore
Or when imminent threat is in store,
But, by striking out first,
You're displaying our worst;
All proving this isn't JUST war.
He says it's not War
If you bomb from the air
He says he wants Peace
But it hasn't a prayer:
He's hell-bent on bombing
As all are aware
So pray all you want
And the Devil may care!
"Why, of course, the people don't want war," Goering
shrugged. "Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in
a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in
one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor
in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.
But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and
it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy
or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship."
"There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars."
"Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."
Q. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their Whey. [More oldies..]