Liverpool's Olympic Bid
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the
Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC...
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena
by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional
costume of balaclava and shell suit.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly
successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have
been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven
(one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police
dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.
HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge
etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily
harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods
placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be
taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible
within five minutes.
SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability
over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving
Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be
followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled
a knife on me'.
BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place
on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be
give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any
tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike
shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from
the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police
Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before
being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets
and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons
this event has been cancelled.
RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from
a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four
different stolen cars.
ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the
person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw
it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events'
designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.
PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their
18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's
wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors
marks will not be deducted for misspelling.
BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person
standing wins.
CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors
from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding
locals.
They will then scatter to the four corners of the City
to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo
liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their
motor'.
Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot
of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame
(if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a
circle and pissing on it.
The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone
in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each
visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to
find their wallet missing.