UK Football. A 5 point plan for success
AFTER the humiliation of Euro 2000, the consensus about
English football's future appears to be clear - however unpalatable the
idea might be, we must learn to be more like the French.
But, short of crazy notions like actually passing the ball
to each other rather than hoofing it up to towering target man Michael
Owen, how can this be accomplished?
Steve Anglesey outlines his five-point plan to put us on
a par with Les Bleus...
1) FIELD MORE BALD PLAYERS During World Cup 98 and Euro
2000, the French boasted the shiny pates of Fabien Barthez and Frank Leboeuf,
not to mention the egg-in-the-nest look favoured by Zinedine Zidane, with
notably successful results. England, meanwhile, fielded the shaggy Steve
McManaman alongside the surely over-hirsute David Seaman. Heartbreak quickly
followed. Top marks to David Beckham for having a go by shaving his locks,
but England haven't fielded a player with serious hair loss since Steve
Stone fleetingly bustled his way into the reckoning. And is it any coincidence
that we won the World Cup with the thinning Nobby Stiles in the side and
only went out of the 1970 tournament when comb-over king Bobby Charlton
was substituted? We say: Bring back Alan Cork!
2) GET BETTER GIRLFRIENDS
As they trudge home, weary from battle, the French know full well that
the likes of Linda Evangelista, Adriana Skleranikova and the frankly well-upholstered
Agathe Petit will soon be slipping a croque monsieur into the microwave,
pressing play on that Vanessa Paradis CD in the boombox and preparing
for a night of l'amour. Though Tony Adams' brief dalliance with Caprice
did much to up the ante for England, our proudest boasts are, in descending
order of loveliness: 1. Louise Nurding (for the one match a year when
Jamie's not injured). 2. Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham - as beautiful
as she is talented. 3. Sundry Essex bottle blondes called Debbie. The
fact that our girls almost certainly have smoother armpits is no cause
for complacency.
3) COLONISE MORE SMALL COUNTRIES
Marcel Desailly, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira and a handful of others
weren't actually born in France, instead hailing from French-connected
places as various as Ghana and Guadeloupe. The closest England appear
to have come to matching this worldwide recruitment policy is to unearth
Graeme Le Saux (Jersey) and Michael Owen (used to go to Wales on his summer
holidays). The way forward is clear: either use gunboat diplomacy to colonise
a seriesof small countries like Blighty used to back in the Good Old Days
or, if the former is deemed too politically incorrect, open an FA Centre
Of Excellence for the 26 inhabitants of the Falkland Islands who are neither
sheep nor penguins.
4) THE SCRABBLE FACTOR
Can it be any coincidence that even without the benefit of double- or
triple-word scores, ZINEDINE ZIDANE' is worth 34 on the Scrabble board,
while 'BIXENTE LIZARAZU' would get you an even more impressive 42. 'ALAN
SHEARER', by contrast, is worth a scant 14. A good job he's retiring.
Oh for the days when Albert Quixall - surname worth 23 points alone!?
- bossed the midfield for England. And surely more could have been done
to prevent 51-pointer Muzzy Izzet playing for Turkey?
5) USE MORE PLAYERS WITH GIRLS' NAMES
Not only does a glance at the European champions' team sheet reveal the
openly girlish Lilian Thuram, Fabien Barthez and Emmanuel Petit, but the
French also insist on giving Laurent Blanc and Nicolas Anelka a touch
of femininity by refusing to pronounce the final letter of their first
names. Alas, this only seems to work with Christian names, so there's
no need to call up Darren Eadie or persuade Steve McManaman to become
the less sexist Steve McWomanawoman. The only option appears to be judicious
deed polling, leaving us with a line-up including Paula Ince, Denise Wise
and Phyllis Neville. Perhaps former England skipper Emma-Lynn Hughes could
see to it?
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