|  
Thought for the day: Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The
other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room,
waits for some news. A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and
bad news. The good news - he'll make a full recovery.
The bad news - he'll be a vegetable for life."
I've got a crocodile named Ginger."
"Does Ginger bite?"
"No, but ginger snaps"
HOW TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE!
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely
worked for. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have
finally found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace
is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see
all the things I started and hadn't finished... So far today I have finished
one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium,
a small box of chocolates and 9 beers. You have no idea how good I feel.
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
Female Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope
with the stress that builds up during the day:
BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten
directly from freezer)
DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the
chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories
don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:
chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you,
you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part
of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.
(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up
causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has
no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat.
Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream;apples and red jelly snakes.
10.Chocolate is a food-colour wildcard
and may be substituted for any other colour.
11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
and the density of calorie mass.
12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her
plate.
And remember:
STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sent by Liza
Visit dietjokes.co.uk
|
Category