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computer jokes

jokes about computer viruses (6)
email (2)
new technology (1)
(Numbers in brackets refer to the number of jokes in that category)

In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two . . .

If Microsoft had been the first to invent books:

1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a book activation code by phoning Microsoft.

2. Sorry, only one person may ever read your book.

3. It's full of spelling mistakes and typos.

4. When you're reading your book, the type can mysteriously disappear.

5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.

6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.

7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the BLAH.

8. The Book Users' Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in 2001 was $10.97 billion.

9. There are two versions of your book - the "Standard" and the "Pro" versions. In the standard version, those pages containing the most useful information have been stuck together.

10. At random times the letters your book may suddenly scramble for no apparent reason. Simply give the book a good kicking - this is called rebooting.

Tiscali AnyTime

We received an email from Dr Jeremy Sims, a GP from Ryde on the Isle of Wight, and winner of the RIPHH Thomas Latimer Cleave Memorial Prize for Excellence in Nutrition and Health 2000, no less.

(We only include these details to prove that he's not a big thicky.)

He drew our attention to a message Tiscali sent to its customers recently. It reads: "Great news! Get over 670 hours per month FREE! Upgrade to Tiscali AnyTime NOW and you can get free Internet access at any time of the day or night - that's over 670 hours per month FREE for just £14.99 per month."

Dr Sims is confused. "Am I going mad or are Tiscali? Are they seriously suggesting that I can get something FREE by PAYING for it? By any definition that isn't FREE and therefore, with my physician's hat on (or should that be steth?) I diagnose that Tiscali are deluded and therefore clinically insane."

From The Weekly Round-Up


At a packed press conference at industry fair PropellerHeads2002 (held every April in Santa Monica), Larry Ellison unveiled his company's latest marvel - The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition - which he claimed was five times as powerful, four times as stable and three and half times more tedious than its nearest rival.

As the plainly-boxed software package sat on a velvet cushion in front of him, Ellison explained to the stunned audience that his company had attained "unprecedented levels of tedium."

"We all know how boring databases can be," he explained - flipping through Powerpoint slides more or less at random in an effort to stay awake - "but with The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition we've really broken new ground. You might have thought was uninteresting. You might have thought XML was uninspiring. Well you wait till one of our sales boys starts talking to you about remotely audited rollback segments. I tell you, it's better than counting sheep!"

<!-- Zzzz -->Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has hit back at his long-standing rival Ellison claiming that the latest Windows XP drivers are "pretty damned tiresome" and pointing out that whereas Oracle issues new software once or twice a year, Microsoft keeps its customers busy throughout the product life-cycle, with a seemingly unending series of updates, patches and bug-fixes "all uniquely soporific".

However, industry commentators agree that this round goes to Ellison, fairly and squarely. "I've got to hand it to him," commented lifelong computer bore Ian Popeck. "I've stayed awake through four hour seminars on practical considerations related detailed diagnostic tools for debugging low-level assembler, but I didn't get more than four pages into the user manual for The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition without beginning to feel my eyelids getting heavy. I've had it for nearly a week now, and I still haven't got past the chapter on data warehousing in a multi-user, multi-system environment. It's quite an achievement."

<!-- Zzzz -->But some think that Ellison has gone too far. Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush - whose books on accidents at work "Don't Put Your Head In There: A Study In Stupidity" and "You Won't Be Doing That Again In A Hurry (Or Much Else For That Matter)", regularly top the bestseller lists - told us "I believe that this product is not merely record-breakingly tedious, it's actually dangerously tedious. We've already had reports of one lathe operator who remembered seeing an advertisement for it while at work and is still recovering in hospital. Heaven knows what will happen when users start trying to install it. The man's a menace."

None of this, however seemed likely to faze Ellison yesterday, as he completed his presentation with the words "are there any questions?" His reply was merely the gentle snoring of 200 slumbering journalists.

Net workers are finding their place in the lexicon of stereotyping terminology

DOOMIE's: Downsized Opportunists and Other Morons of the Internet Economy

DIPSOW's: Downwardly-Mobile Internet Professionals Whose Stock Options are Worthless (Note: These people are often seen drinking alone at once-fashionable, but now-empty NewMedia cigar bars.)

BOBORU's: Burned Out, But Optimistic (for Reasons Unknown)

FIMOTU's: Former Masters of the Internet Universe

PLAGIE's: Peeled Like a Grape by Internet Economy

LEDIE's: Lost Everything Due to Irrational Exuberance

BECOSEDS: Bet Entire Career on Something Esther Dyson Said

UNIX convention

Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her.

"Where are you going?" asks Joan.

"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."

Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."

"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"

"He didn't have any testicles."

"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"

"Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."

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