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(Numbers in brackets refer to the number of jokes in
that category)
In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product.
It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed
you to get four digits in your date instead of two . . .
If Microsoft had been the first to invent books:
1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a book
activation code by phoning Microsoft.
2. Sorry, only one person may ever read your book.
3. It's full of spelling mistakes and typos.
4. When you're reading your book, the type can mysteriously disappear.
5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.
6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License
Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.
7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book inspections
to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the BLAH.
8. The Book Users' Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the
annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in 2001
was $10.97 billion.
9. There are two versions of your book - the "Standard" and
the "Pro" versions. In the standard version, those pages containing
the most useful information have been stuck together.
10. At random times the letters your book may suddenly scramble for no
apparent reason. Simply give the book a good kicking - this is called
rebooting.
Tiscali AnyTime
We received an email from Dr Jeremy Sims, a GP from Ryde
on the Isle of Wight, and winner of the RIPHH Thomas Latimer Cleave Memorial
Prize for Excellence in Nutrition and Health 2000, no less.
(We only include these details to prove that he's not a big thicky.)
He drew our attention to a message Tiscali sent to its customers recently.
It reads: "Great news! Get over 670 hours per month FREE! Upgrade
to Tiscali AnyTime NOW and you can get free Internet access at any time
of the day or night - that's over 670 hours per month FREE for just £14.99
per month."
Dr Sims is confused. "Am I going mad or are Tiscali? Are they seriously
suggesting that I can get something FREE by PAYING for it? By any definition
that isn't FREE and therefore, with my physician's hat on (or should that
be steth?) I diagnose that Tiscali are deluded and therefore clinically
insane."
From The silicon.com Weekly Round-Up
NEW ORACLE DATABASE IS "STUPEFYINGLY
DULL"
At a packed press conference at industry fair PropellerHeads2002
(held every April in Santa Monica), Larry Ellison unveiled his company's
latest marvel - The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice
Edition - which he claimed was five times as powerful, four times as stable
and three and half times more tedious than its nearest rival.
As the plainly-boxed software package sat on a velvet cushion in front
of him, Ellison explained to the stunned audience that his company had
attained "unprecedented levels of tedium."
"We all know how boring databases can be," he explained - flipping
through Powerpoint slides more or less at random in an effort to stay
awake - "but with The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB
Edifice Edition we've really broken new ground. You might have thought
Windows.net was uninteresting. You might have thought XML was uninspiring.
Well you wait till one of our sales boys starts talking to you about remotely
audited rollback segments. I tell you, it's better than counting sheep!"
<!-- Zzzz -->Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has hit back at his long-standing
rival Ellison claiming that the latest Windows XP drivers are "pretty
damned tiresome" and pointing out that whereas Oracle issues new
software once or twice a year, Microsoft keeps its customers busy throughout
the product life-cycle, with a seemingly unending series of updates, patches
and bug-fixes "all uniquely soporific".
However, industry commentators agree that this round goes to Ellison,
fairly and squarely. "I've got to hand it to him," commented
lifelong computer bore Ian Popeck. "I've stayed awake through four
hour seminars on practical considerations related detailed diagnostic
tools for debugging low-level assembler, but I didn't get more than four
pages into the user manual for The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational
DB Edifice Edition without beginning to feel my eyelids getting heavy.
I've had it for nearly a week now, and I still haven't got past the chapter
on data warehousing in a multi-user, multi-system environment. It's quite
an achievement."
<!-- Zzzz -->But some think that Ellison has gone too far. Professor
Hugo Z Hackenbush - whose books on accidents at work "Don't Put Your
Head In There: A Study In Stupidity" and "You Won't Be Doing
That Again In A Hurry (Or Much Else For That Matter)", regularly
top the bestseller lists - told us "I believe that this product is
not merely record-breakingly tedious, it's actually dangerously tedious.
We've already had reports of one lathe operator who remembered seeing
an advertisement for it while at work and is still recovering in hospital.
Heaven knows what will happen when users start trying to install it. The
man's a menace."
None of this, however seemed likely to faze Ellison yesterday, as he completed
his presentation with the words "are there any questions?" His
reply was merely the gentle snoring of 200 slumbering journalists.
Net workers are finding their place in the lexicon of stereotyping terminology
DOOMIE's: Downsized Opportunists and Other Morons of the Internet Economy
DIPSOW's: Downwardly-Mobile Internet Professionals Whose Stock Options
are Worthless (Note: These people are often seen drinking alone at once-fashionable,
but now-empty NewMedia cigar bars.)
BOBORU's: Burned Out, But Optimistic (for Reasons Unknown)
FIMOTU's: Former Masters of the Internet Universe
PLAGIE's: Peeled Like a Grape by Internet Economy
LEDIE's: Lost Everything Due to Irrational Exuberance
BECOSEDS: Bet Entire Career on Something Esther Dyson Said
UNIX convention
Joan, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer
programmer sitting next to her.
"Where are you going?" asks Joan.
"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."
Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the
flight?" he asks.
"Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt
really sorry for."
"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"
"He didn't have any testicles."
"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn
*that*?"
"Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs'
convention."
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