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rude jokes

Category rude jokes
Subcategory short ones

In looking through the want-ads the other day, I noticed a job opening at the YWCA. I told April, "I think I'm gonna go down there and apply for a job as a Nipple Inspector for Female Joggers." She glared at me. "Look," I said, "the pay might be lousy, but the tips will be great."

Q: What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women?
A: A bisexual built for two!

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her
to come back to his hotel.

When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

Cheese and onion flaour

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited.

Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?" To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

The Monkey, The Lion, The Donkey And Man

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" he asked. But the Lord was very adamant, and that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey agreed.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, ‘How am I doing?’

The prostitute replies, ‘Well sailor, you're doing about three knots.’ ‘Three knots?’ he replies, ‘What's that supposed to mean?’ She says, ‘You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back’

What's the difference between a donut and a hooker?
If you buy a donut you can't eat the fucking hole.

Dirty Work

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky!"

Speeding Cow

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad, "how fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A balloon.

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oil.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung

Q: Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
A: Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody fucks the girl.

PG: The Good Guy fucks the girl.

R: The Bad Guy fucks the girl.

X: Everybody fucks the girl.

XXX: Everybody fucks the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: What does a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

Q: What does a vagina and mustard have in common?
A: You can dip your sausage in both.

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Q: What do gay termites eat?
A: Wood Peckers.

One woman: "Has your husband been circumcised"?
Other woman "Nope. He's always been a complete dick"

The man brought the girl back to his apartment, took off his clothes, and said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend." She took a look, gathered up her clothes, then said, "Call me when he grows up."

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