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Queen Mother Jokes

What has the Queen mother and princess Di got in common?
They both die at about 90

Thanks to Magic Marty

Chilling

I see dead people

At the Pearly Gates

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."

Excerpts from the Book of Remembrance

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look
the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.

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"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie,Hendon.

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"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
J.Clement. Grantham.

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"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.

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"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

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"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

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"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the dayoff".
S.Wilson, Bristol.

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"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

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"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.

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"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
T.Watson, Ilford.

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"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.

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"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.

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"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.

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"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea.

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"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.

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"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.

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"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.

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"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

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"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?".
R. Combes, Romford.
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"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.

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"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person".
E.Collier, London.

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"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.

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"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am". L. Weller, Harlow.

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"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

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"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort" T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.


Q: What does the Queen mother and Diana have in common?
A: They were both pushing 101 when they died
--Thanks to Johnnyboy for that one

BBC newsreader, Peter Sissons, has gone into hiding for his own safety, his spokesperson revealed today, following an outpouring of fury at his callous, hamfisted, insensitive handling of the death of the nation's beloved Queen Mother.

Eschewing the traditional dark suit and black tie, Sissons broke the news to the world wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "Ding, dong, the bitch is dead!" and in between sentences, he sounded frequent blasts on a children's toy trumpet and joyfully waved his hands in the air. While interviewing Margaret Rhodes, the Queen Mother's niece, he repeatedly pressed her for intrusive details about the royal expiration - asking "Did she go like this?" then making horrific choking and gagging noises; demanding to know whether the Queen Mother turned blue as she was summoned to her final rest and holding out Pantone Colour Reference swatches so that Ms Rhodes could identify the exact shade; and asking "had she been at the gin?" a total of fourteen times. When Ms Rhodes attempted to terminate the interview, Sissons began to taunt her mercilessly, chanting "You loved her, you loved her, and now she's dead, ha ha ha. And you'll be dead soon too, ha ha ha," while waving an artificial hip around.

Condemnation of his conduct has swept in from across the world, with BBC switchboards jammed for hours. "This level of disrespect, discourtesy and downright rudeness will not be tolerated," roared Colonel Hugo Z Hackenbush, putting the finishing touches to a scale model of a quadruple gin and Dubonnet, fashioned entirely out of matchsticks and dedicated to the memory of Her Royal Grandmotherliness. "In my day we'd simply have had the blighter flogged with his own legs. That'd teach him."

A spokesperson for the BBC was quick to rebut the accusations, telling us that Peter Sissons has "more or less" adhered to the guidelines set down and adding that waving a fish bone in Prince Charles' face and shouting "Did she choke? What are you trying to hide?" was "in the public interest and was handled with tact and sensitivity."

Public support, meanwhile, has shifted to ITN, where on the day of the announcement, John Suchet couldn't bring himself to utter a word, simply staring blankly at the viewers for minute after heartbreaking minute as a single tear rolled manfully down his cheek. Suchet's performance has been described as "moving", "thoroughly professional" and "a joy to behold", while Sissons has been declared "a complete and utter fucking bastard, death's too good for him," by "absolutely everybody in the world."

Channel 4 programme suggestion "Big Mother"

View the Royal Progress... At the end of each week the public vote for which member of the "big mother" coffin should be evicted, the rats, lice, m'aam etc.

Queen Mum spotted alive and well

Queen mother

Q: What's pink and stiff in the morning?
A: The Queen Mother.

Q: What comes gift wrapped in a box at easter?
A: The Queen Mum

--Thanks to P1LBY for those

12 Top Things Not To Do If You're At A State Funeral This Friday

  1. A Mexican Wave, anybody?
  2. Whistle "Don't Worry, Be Happy"
  3. Cartwheels
  4. Climb into the coffin
  5. Ask: "Who's the old chick in the box?"'
  6. "Where do ye want the keg, missus?"
  7. Hit on the surviving Royal Family members, especially Princess Anne
  8. Hum "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead"
  9. Throw rice and confetti
  10. Shout "Up the republic!!!"
  11. 3) Talk about the funeral home/necrophilia crackdown in the UK in recent months
  12. Play "Pop goes the weasel" or the Simpsons theme tune on your mobile. Non-stop

Q: What did Princess Margeret want for her birthday?
A: Nothing, just to be with her Mother

Q: What has 500 legs and 62 teeth?
A: The front row at the Queen Mum's funeral.

The Queen Mother lived to the age of 101...I guess that proves alcohol is a preservative.

The Queen Mother arrived at the pearly gates, greeted by St Peter and Lady Di, she says`, "I would dearly love a halo like Diana's`. Peter says " That`s not a halo, mum, it`s a steering wheel...!!!!
--Thanks to scootybaz for that one

Extended Version
The Queen Mum gets to the Pearly Gates where she is met by St. Peter and Princess Diana. St. Peter hands the Queen Mum the obligatory set of angel's wings and shows her to her room. St. Peter asks her if there is anything he can do for her. She replies "The wings are very nice, but why haven't I got a halo like Diana ?". St. Peter chuckles and replies "That's not a halo - it's a fucking steering wheel"

Q: What's the difference between the Queen Mother and the Underground?
A: The Underground got an extension for the Jubilee.


The Queen Mother arrives at the Pearly gates. St. Peter says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "The good news is that you've been a good girl and you can come into heaven." "The bad news is that Princess Margaret has already drunk the place dry."

HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH BOWES-LYON I: A TEXTIMONIAL

Frwll ur Mjsty Qn Elzbth Bws-Lyn I
U wr 101 & qite ill
& nw ur ded
A ntion mrnes

Tributes

"I was so sad to hear that the queen mother was at death's door, but gratified to hear that she pulled through."

A tribute to the Queen Mother posted on the BBC website [http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/talking_point/newsid_1903000/1903313.stm]

Your passion and participation in all of our lives will be sadly missed. Vintners and bookmakers Association

"An immensely brave woman, she will, I think, be best remembered for remaining in London during the Blitz to show solidarity with her subjects. Furthermore, the fact that she only remained there for nine days before returning to Balmoral serves to illustrate that her bravery was balanced with a practicality that's an example to us all." - Lord Sir Michael Roberts Taylor Peters, former Crown Equerry.

"I don't suppose there's any chance of us getting our money back now is there?" - Ladbrookes

"I'm sorry, I don't really have anything for you. Unless you can do something with 'Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting'? Have you asked Billy Joel?" - Elton John

As with Princess Diana and Candle in the Wind, Elton John is to release a tribute record to the Queen Mother. . . "Goodbye Yellow Teeth Row."

Darling Grandmother

The Prince of Wales has paid a moving tribute to his 'darling grandmother', the Queen Mother. In a passionate televised address from his Highgrove home Charles said she had an "utterly irresistible mischievousness of spirit ~ most of it gin" and her death was a moment he had dreaded.

"Somehow I never thought it would come," he added. "The old bastard was like a friggin' Duracell battery ~ she just kept on going." The prince added: "She seemed gloriously unstoppable and ever since I was a child I adored her. Anyone who could drink like that and stay upright, was to be greatly admired."

The prince's eyes filled up as he recalled how he used to laugh and laugh with the Queen Mother. "She was quite simply the most magical grandmother you could possibly have and I was utterly devoted to her. The old clingfilm-on-the-commode joke was a belter. It just caught her every time."

"Her departure has left an irreplaceable chasm in countless lives but, thank God, we are all the richer for the sheer joy of her presence and everything she stood for: privilege, freeloading, gambling and copious alcohol consumption."


Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."

Q: What's the difference between the British Royal Family of 2000 and the British Royal Family now?
A: Two less drunks.

Ten things you didn't know about the Queen Mother

1) Her nose was made from the same silicon compound that coats the Space Shuttle. It was attached by NASA doctors during a commercial break in Channel 4 Racing in June 1992.

2) Up until 1998, she was officially the seventh largest consumer of Tequila in the world, after Canada.

3) She once called C.S.Lewis a cunt.

4) She used to make the young Prince Edward wear her old bra and knickers and march up and down the gardens of Buckingham Palace with an old pair of laundry tongs as a baton, while the gardeners pelted him with fir cones. She said it would help give him character.

5) She enjoyed the works of Charles Dickens - in particular, the character of Captain Cuttle in Dombey and Son. In fact, in later years, she would come to address all of her close friends and relations as "Captain Cuttle" - and insisted that they address her as "Uncle Sol." This was typical of her whimsical and puckish mind.

6) Every morning, she would spend half an hour in the company of a heavily sedated tiger. This was her private time. She was always fascinated by the natural world, and would spend many minutes inspecting the genitals of the tiger, sometimes sketching, other times making rubber moulds.

7) She combed her hair with a bunsen burner.

8) Prince Charles is actually her child. She conceived him after a Royal Variety Performance. Rumour has it that a young Dennis Nordon did a turn that night.

9) Scientists estimate that her body will take 17 days to attain room temperature.

10) The Palace bar-staff named a cocktail in her honour. The 'Queen Mum' is thee parts gin, two parts benzedrine, four parts gin, eight parts scotch, five parts gin, two parts Duckhams Supergrade, seven parts Benson and Hedges, and a heaped teaspoon of hundreds and thousands.

[Nicked from The Friday Thing]


"Ding dong, the witch is dead,
which old witch?
the wicked witch!
Ding dong the wicked witch is dead !"

Q: What's does the Queen Mother and Jesus have in common ?
A: They're both dying for Easter.

Q: Why is the Queen Mother still wearing her blue hat with veil ?
A: To stop the flies from settling on her face.

Classifieds

For sale
Two walking sticks and a golf buggy.
Excellent condition. One lady owner.
Phone (+44) (0)20 7839 1377 and ask for Liz

Pillow for Sale
Slightly used, but generally in good condition.
Has imprint of Queen mothers face and has a mild aroma of Corgi.
If interested, contact Liz at The Palace, London.

For Sale
1 wheelchair, excellent condition
1 zimmerframe, hardly used
2 walking sticks, reasonable condition
1 pair of binoculars and signed copy of the Racing Post
1 case of gin

Contact Philip or Liz - Buckingham Palace, London

Q: What's the difference between the Queen Mum and Dudley Moore?
A: Three days.

Q: What was purple, stiff & stinked of piss?
A: The Queen Mother.


Q: What is Princess Margaret getting for Easter?
A: The Queen Mother......

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