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odds and ends

A black, hungry, thirsty tramp was looking for food in a rubbish bin, when suddenly he finds a can of Coke. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. ‘You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them.’

‘OK, OK,’ and without hesitation he says, ‘first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "See you next month!"

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replies "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of an 'N Sync concert.

Thought for the day

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey, little boy, what are you doing?"

The little boys says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boys says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Wind

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

White Man On The Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

An actual ad (?) in the The Times.

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
r eputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

"The Butler"

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.

Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?"

The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."

The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."

The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"

The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

Rest In Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

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