The Joke File

Joke Categories

Search this site


odds and sods

nationality jokes

Jokes about 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys' - the French

French Military Victories

"In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job." --Conan O'Brien


You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide:

Do you: -

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

or do you: -

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning

The French retaliate

In retaliation against the US House of Representatives changing the names of French fries and French toast to Freedom fries and Freedom toast in their cafeteria, the French government has announced that they will NOT change the name of American cheese.

A group of British paratroopers were firing their weapons for practice near the Kuwait/Iraq border. A group of Iraqi soliders, fearing the war had started, crossed the border and promptly surrendered to the paratroopers. My immediate thought was, "Finally, French culture has spread to the Middle East."

Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

How many French does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.

Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space.

Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?

Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.

Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.

We were never soldiers

France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found?
20 more votes for Al Gore.

What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?

What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A salesman

What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
There are skid marks before the hedgehog

What do you call 20 French politicans face down in the English Channel?
A start.

Ned Sherrin's jokes about the French that were cut from Radio 4’s Loose Ends.

Donald Rumsfeld (possibly)...
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion"

David Letterman's comment on Paris' current position on Iraq....
"France wants more evidence [of Iraqi violations]. The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled right through France with a German flag."

Jay Leno: "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

President Chirac... "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure,"
Rush Limbaugh... "As far as France is concerned, you're right."

Franco Zeffirelli....if you live in a democracy, you have to trust your leaders.... and, on the whole, the leaders of Britain and the United States have a more distinguished record than their counterparts in France or Germany.

Dennis Miller: "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

On the back of a public restroom door in Texas, USA. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.


Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was: 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer

Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship win in 2000 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

Freedom fries

"A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."

French fries

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.

The frenchie asks the landlord, What is that dirty camel doing in here?

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: Ask him about the cemeteries Dean! So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II. DeGaulle never answered.

Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.

The French; they are a funny race, they fight with their feet, and fuck with their face!

Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.

Soldier of surrender

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.

Why is good to be french?
You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been tried.

Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
And that's because it was raining

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.

Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?
The Arabs like to march in the sun.

Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A: "Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.

Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!

How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

How did the French react to German reunification?
They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"?
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" - Hannibal Lecter

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson

The Train Ride :

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.

Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.

Q: Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.

Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French Revolutionary War ... but then again they were fighting the French.

Want more? Try

home |  about us |  free e-mail |  send a joke |  recommend this site |  index | search
The Joke File is part of