Category	odds and sods
Subcategory	crap jokes

A man called his neighbor only to have the phone answered by a young boy. He asked the lad if he could speak to his father. The lad replied his father was not home. "Well, then, could I speak to your mother?" "She's not home either." the lad replied. "Okay then," asked the man, "who is home with you?" the boy answered "Just my brother!!"

Alright then, the man replied, may I speak with him? The lad said "yes" and went to get his brother. After what seemed like a very long time, the boy came back and said that his brother could not come to the phone. Exasperated, the man said, "Well, why not?" the boy answered, "Because I can't get him out of his crib!"

A Symphony Of Sounds

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town.

The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet seat. "Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Uncle George

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

Staying at an economy motel, Fred ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, Fred let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!" he complained.

"What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A priest and a nun went golfing one day. The priest seemed to have an extremely foul mouth for a priest. He was first to putt. "God damnit, I missed!" exclaimed the priest.

This upset the nun. She replied, "If you say that two more times, God will send a bolt of lightning down from the sky at you!"

The priest then takes his second putt. "God damnit, I missed again!" screamed the priest even louder.

The nun wasn't very happy with the priest this time. "If you say that again, I know you will get struck by lightning. God doesn't like his name used in vain."

This priest wasn't a very good golfer, for he missed again. Ignoring the nun's threats, he yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

Then, all of a sudden, there came a huge bolt of lightning down from the sky. It hit the nun.

Then the clouds move and God peeks down. He yells, "God damnit, I missed!"

back to [Page 1] [Page 2]