"The Good Samaritan"
A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself, "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody oughta do something."
He walked over and said, "Hey buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down!
When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again!
Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car.
He dragged him up the steps, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down!
Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you."
She says, "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought about it for a moment then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in OUR garden."
Man walking down the street noticed a street vendor with a sign FROGS FOR SALE.. "greatest blow job you will ever have”.
The man approached and the vendor said, trust me, these frogs give the best blow job you will ever get. The man proceeded home with his new purchase.
About 3am the man’s wife was awakened by strange noises and a light coming from the kitchen. She arose to investigate. When she looked in the kitchen she was amazed to see pots and pans scattered all over, cookbooks opened, her husband frying a steak, and the frog up on the counter watching her husband.
She asked "what the hell are you doing”.
He replied "as soon as I teach this frog to cook.......you`re outa here!!
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
A Rude Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to pay at the tills, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
When he got to the till he saw that his total was £62.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only bought a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the assistant.
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.
So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it.
Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
Vinny and Maria get married. Vinny has this horrible habit of always picking his nose, which Maria figures she can correct once that ole ring goes on his finger.
After 2 months of marriage Maria cannot take it a minute longer and drags Vinny to a therapist. The therapist asks Vinny to wait in the outer room so Maria can speak freely.
Maria explains how Vinny's constant picking his nose is just too much to bear any longer. And while she is at it, another thing is that Vinny will never let Maria be on top when they have sex. Maria feels it must be a control issue.
The therapist calls Vinny into the room, repeats what Maria has concerns about and asks for his input as to why he feels the need to constantly pick his nose, and always be the one on top during sex.
Vinny replies ‘When I left to come to this country, my father told me to remember 2 things: always keep your nose clean and don't screw up’.
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
The mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones's for a couple hours."
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