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odds and sods

Category odds and sods
Subcategory crap jokes

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.

Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer.

The following morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard.

The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions."

The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.

Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".

The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for 1 million."

The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister.

He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!"

The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me."

The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on 2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist's office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the pub. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

"A football player,"

"A doctor,"

"An astronaut,"

"The president,"

"A fireman,"

"A teacher,"

"A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

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