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Cut from 'Have I got News for you'

Out-take 2: 04'17

Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland's decision to publish topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:

SAVILLE It's well out of order.

HISLOP Indeed. And it's Mr Murdoch again.

SAVILLE Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in someone else's paper?

HISLOP If anyone's got any pictures, do drop

[MERTON I've got some.

DEAYTON Well, you'll have to share them with us next time, Paul...

MERTON I will. It could be an entirely new game. Spot the rancid, pus- filled cock...up the arse of some old tart. 'Whose Buboes Are They Anyway'?

DEAYTON Are you calling Mr Yelland's personal hygiene into question?

MERTON Not at all. I'm just saying he's a cunt.

(Audience applauds)

I'm saying he's a cunt with a rancid pus-filled cock. Which is the title of new six-part documentary series on Channel 5, apparently.

DEAYTON We look forward to it.

MERTON I don't. Stupid depressing old fucker. I hope he dies a painful death. Seriously. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. No joke.

(Smattering of audience applause)

DEAYTON But The Sun have apologised, of course...


Out-take 3: 09'36

During the headline round:

DEAYTON You used to be a wrestler didn't you?

SAVILLE I still am.

DEAYTON Are you?

SAVILLE I'm feared in every girls' school in the country.

(Audience laugh)

[DEAYTON Yeah, I've heard about that.

SAVILLE What have you heard?


MERTON Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.

(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

SAVILLE I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...

MERTON That's what she had to do!

(Audience laughs)

HISLOP Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something?

(Saville glares at him)

Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...

SAVILLE (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

DEAYTON Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...

SAVILLE Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was.

(Audience laugh)

DEAYTON So were you a professional wrestler?

SAVILLE Yes I was.

DEAYTON (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience giggles)

HISLOP Feared by every girls' school in the country...

SAVILLE That's right.

MERTON Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.

(Huge audience laugh)


HISLOP You're on top form tonight, Paul...

SAVILLE (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV) OK, do you...[inaudible section]...shall we, for pick-ups...

MERTON I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

SAVILLE A pus-filled cock, I imagine.

(Shocked audience laugh)

MERTON Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad, senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)

DEAYTON I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

MERTON Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say.

(Audience laugh; pause)

Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.

(Audience unrest)

HISLOP Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello!

(Audience laughs)

DEAYTON Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

SAVILLE I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

MERTON What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience laughs)

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...

MERTON Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...

DEAYTON Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE (Calmly) I did.

DEAYTON You didn't have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)


Out-take 4: 21'20

Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the...

MERTON I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE Did you really?

MERTON Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.

(Audience laugh)

HISLOP He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

SAVILLE No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON And fucked twelve year olds.

(Audience laugh)

DEAYTON Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show, wasn't it?

(Audience laugh)

SAVILLE No, they never did want me.

HISLOP Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE She was an exception.

DEAYTON Who's Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE Sarah Cornley is...

HISLOP About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh)

SAVILLE That's right.

HISLOP So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything...

SAVILLE You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms.

(Audience unease)

MERTON Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and cigar, wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.

SAVILLE Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...

MERTON We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and fucking pubic lice.

HISLOP (To lawyer again) Hello!

(Audience laughs)

MERTON Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

DEAYTON (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

MERTON No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.

SAVILLE You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.

MERTON Oh fuck off...


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