New stuff in the Joke File

Beans, beans are good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart,

H ark, hark, the beans are calling must have been the ones I ate this morning, quick,quick, to the lavie door, ***** to late they're all over the floor...

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now p*ss off!" The rabbit hops off.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely p*ssed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in
here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your f'in ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out!
(Thanks Pete!)

Today (Thursday Dec 23) the BBC website has its weather predictions for the United Kingdom for Saturday Dec 25, including: "Rather cold or cold."

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Smother the butter all over the breasts
How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Whew, that's one terrific spread
Talk about a huge breast!
That's the biggest one I've ever seen
Breast or leg?
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Do you want stuffing?
Don't play with your meat.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Are you ready for seconds?
More meat?
That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst
I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning
Do you want some cream on your Pudding?
Yule log

Q.Why is shopping better than men?
A.Because if you dont like it you can take it back.

Men are like parking spaces.......
.....the good ones are taken the rest are to small

Men are for pleasure, not for life!!!!!!

On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a Bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!

The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

Bono of U2, explaining why he would never want to run for the presidency of the United States...

Q: What did the left buttcheack say to the right buttcheack?
A: Don't talk to the one in the middle he's a real arsshole
~ Thanks Brandon

.What are the three biggest lies told by men?
1) The check's in the mail
2) I'm not married
3) I won't come in your mouth..

Jokes from the Edinburgh Festival

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Two men are in a train and one needs a sh*t but the loo isn't working so one guy says to the other: "When we stop I'll draw a face on your arse and do out the window " So when they stop he did but two tramps wer sat outside the station one says to the other "I'll slap his face while your nick his cigar..." ~ thanks Sam in Leeds

Great Britain has won a gold medal in the White Water Rafting competition.
It was won by two blokes from Cornwall in a Transit van.

"In California when you pull someone over you have to have an identification with TWO pictures - before plastic surgery and after plastic surgery. So it makes the job tough." ~ Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger

A man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel down his pants
Doc:how did that happen
Guy: don't know but its drivin' me nuts!

~ from Sam in Leeds

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ".....HOLY SHIT.....what a ride.

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB

When its cold and stormy
and you are feeling a little sick
just curl up nice and warmy
and play with your little...

DUMB IRELAND

Tim Kelly: What birthday does a bicentennial celebrate?
Contestant: Er...
Kelly: I’ll give you a hint. Centennial is one hundred and bi means two.
Contestant: 102?

A Scottsman and Welshman and English man all go to a strip club. A striper strips for them, afterwards the Scottsman put a £10 note on one of her butt cheeks. The Welshman does the same on the other butt cheek. then the Scottsman takes out his credit card swipes it through her bum crack and draws out £20.

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts!

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
~Marilyn Pittman

Comedian Jimmy Carr is considering further action against Jim Davidson, whom he claims stole the following joke [news story]:

"Someone came up to me last week and complained about that joke. Quite a big boned girl. She said 'I think you're fattist'. I said 'No, I think you're fattest'." [more diet jokes]

We know that Svennis suffers from a failure to keep his todger in his pants, but the front page of everyone's free paper Metro claiming that he is being 'partly blamed' for the rise in sex diseases among young people may be just a tad unfair. Surely he can't have slept with them all.
~football365.com

There once was a girl called Lydia,
From the French town of Montdidier,
Mark and Sven found her thrilling,
They gave her a grilling,
And now they’ve both got chlamydia'

'Sven Goran Eriksson goes from one betrayal to another as glibly as Casanova from tart to trollop...'

"Everyone enjoys this sort of thing - especially the guys. There was a joke
going around the offices that FA now stands for Flirters Anonymous."

Rumour Of The Day
'Bed-Hopping FA secretary Faria Alam was having sex with a hunky fireman at the same time she was bedding Sven Goran Eriksson AND chief executive Mark Palios'- The Daily Star.

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt head
30. Military intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. Extinct life
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
15. French bravery
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

This week the parents of a teenager who killed another boy said he was mimicking a bloodthirsty computer game called Manhunt. So what should we do about violent computer games?

1) Encourage your children only to emulate parentally sanctioned computer games: Sonic Tidies His Room, Tony Hawks' Extreme GCSE Revision, and Horace Goes To Get His Ludicrous Piercings Removed.

2) If you're an unstable teenager and think you're likely to kill someone, make sure your bedroom is littered with games like MegArmageddon DeathKill IV, Night of Gouging, and Sadistico: Teenage Skull Driller Blood Beast. You won't have much of a defence in court if all you've been playing is 'Frak!' (Unless you kill your victims with a giant yo-yo.)

3) If you work in the video game industry, take a long hard look at your products in the light of the recent tragedy. Realise that controversy equals publicity and repackage 'The Care Bears' Big Adventure In Balloon Land' as 'Nightmare in the Valley of the Kodiak Flesh Eaters'.

4) If you're a Sky News journalist, why not completely obscure any worthwhile debate with studio guests by passing off your fuckwitted opinions as fact, eg. 'It's obvious that playing computer games is a far more intense psychological experience than watching a film and therefore playing games like Elite will unquestionably turn your child into an intergalactic mineral trader.'

5) If you're a retailer, withdraw the game Manhunter as a token gesture to avoid bad publicity from the ill-informed media. However, continue to stock socially responsible videos like Jim Davidson's Racist Moron Fest, Roy Chubby Brown's Misogynist Half-Jokes and dozens of ultra-soft porn titles like Booty Party Brain Vacation.

From the window of a convenience store photographed in the Icelandic capital Reykjavik...

A French electricity board worker is in trouble with her bosses after writing a guide on how to survive in the French corporate world without doing any work. The author isn't sure what to expect at her disciplinary hearing on 17 August. But when it happens, she'll almost certainly arrive with a bulging bundle of files under her arm - the best way, she says, to avoid questions from your boss about what exactly it is you have been doing all day. [more]

You know, John Edwards and I have a lot in common. His name is John, my name is John. He's a lawyer, I'm a lawyer. He was chosen 'the sexiest politician' by People Magazine. I read People Magazine - John Kerry

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million-dollar home and since the man's lawyers were little better than he, the girlfriend's wishes prevailed.

The now ex-wife was given just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she was to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....including the curtain rods.

Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it. And the right half has nothing left in it!

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q- Their were two crabs on a fanny, one was a burgular and one was a smackhead,how can you tell the difference?
A- The burgular was hiding in the bush and the smackhead was sniffing the crack!

Good News: Saddam Hussain is facing the death penalty.
Bad News: David Beckham is taking it.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

One caption read: "Caption Caption: about these pious little bleeders and the lady Busser doing that interminably boring thing so cherished by Border festivals. What on earth is going on in this picture - these people have got to get out more often for their peace of mind and sanity." From BBC News

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

"You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

They spend the first twenty years of their active sex life saying,
"Is THAT all you think of?"

And the next twenty years of their sex life saying, "Don't you
EVER think of that?"

Today's strange sign from around the world comes from Alberta, Canada. It reads: "WHERE ADVENTURE BEGINS", which is a lovely thought, especially since it is attached to a sign for a local funeral home.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.

46. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

The Doctor put me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never knew if I was coming or going! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his penis operation.

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that hey have such different views of sex and relationships. Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex; Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence!

"I've never known anyone so forward! This perfect stranger just walked over to me and said, 'How would you like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex, babe?'"

He shrugged, "He said, 'Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?'"

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

Q How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
A Tell them that asylum seekers are the natural predator of paedophiles.

Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Man out on the town goes to a dance sees a nice babe and says "Man would I like to get in those pants"

Women says "No thanks I have one asshole in there all ready"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this.

What do you call a Russian guy with 3 balls?
Whodidyounickabollockoff!

What do you call a Russian guy who delivers Pepsi?
Idropalotofpopoff!

What do you call a Chinese guy with 1 ball?
Whatwentwong!

Q How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
A Tell them that asylum seekers are the natural predator of paedophiles.

A Czech goes to the optician who shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.

A cute little girl with curly hair goes into a pet shop and teetering backwards and forwards on her toes, says to the shop keeper

The shop keeper wanting to be customer friendly goes down on his knees in order to be at the same level as the little girl and asks

"Wet me thee. We haw litoo bwack furwy ones, litoo bwawn furwy ones and litoo wite furwy ones, which type of litoo furwy wabit would you like?"

"One of the signs of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." (Philosopher Bertrand Russell)

A man goes into a psychiatrist's office and tells the doctor he thinks he's a toad.

Looking sympathetically, the doctor says: "Well, hop onto the couch - I want you to tell me every little detail about yourself - warts and all..."

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well-known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year...

* The LLanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time
Forgot

"The BBC is like a woman in a constant state of menopause." (Janet Street-Porter)

Victoria Beckham has admitted she had an affair with Michael Jackson to get back at her philandering husband. However Jacko's lawyer denied the claim, saying Mr Jackson could not have had an affair with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. (Einstein)