New Stuff
Mary had a little lamb
She called it baby Abby
They burned it in a great big pit
Cos its mouth and feet were scabby
From the pen
of the 'Old Bore' at Private Eye:
"If you want your garden digging up for Spring, writes Old Bore, but can't
do it yourself, simply ring up the police with "a new clue to the Lamplugh
Mystery" and before you can say "waste of police time" hundreds
of uniformed men will be turning over your garden."
This guy lived on his own
and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something
to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking
millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took
it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said,
I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" But there was
no reply. He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with
me? "Again, no response. So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after
a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the
shop. So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to
the pub for a drink do you want to come?"
"For f*ck's sake, I heard you the first time!" snapped the millipede,
"I'm just putting my f*cking shoes on!!"
Fart feast
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she
heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed
by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband
ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled
on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten
even.
About twenty minutes later,
her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror
in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was
the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned
me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?"
asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Three turtles, Joe, Steve,
and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits,
bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away,
so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive,
everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and says, 'All right, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe
gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away
from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve
it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time
he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond
to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the
food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not fucking going.'
Are you the manager?
A very attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender,
who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that
he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?"
she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond
his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes
the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, ...............
WAIT FOR IT....
SCROLL DOWN....
"There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies!!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
10 Signs
of a bad hangover
Jesus
is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
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