New stuff in the Joke File

New Stuff

Romance

Romance

verheard at Lincoln's Inn Fields

Sir, Will Hutton be forgotten? Never; his judgment is already a folk legend.
At court on Friday two barristers were awaiting a judge's ruling.
One said: "If he does a Hutton on me I'll go straight to the Court of Appeal."
I can see him chanted by visiting fans at referees' decisions at Old Trafford for decades.

Harold Shipman Jokes

jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Ulrika

There was once a girl called ulrika,
whose sex life could have been sweeter.
She was battered by Stan,
Sven wasn't a fan
and was raped by a cu*t from Blue Peter!

TAKEN FROM THE NEWS.....

....."last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the united nations.the only question asked was 'would you please give your honest opinion about food shortage in the rest of the world?'.....the survey was a huge failure - in africa they didnt know what food meant. in eastern europe they didnt know what honest meant. in western europe they didnt know what shortage meant. in china they didnt know what opinion meant...........in the middle east they didnt know what solution meant.....in south america they didnt know what please meant.....and in america,they didnt know what the rest of the world meant........"

Extract From The Latest Mills and Boon Novel:-

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, 'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.

This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, Wales and certainparts of Derbyshire.

Anyone fancy a swim ?

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

You may have heard a sports report on the Today programme a while back about the Open golf championship which went:

"Jasper Parnevik didn't enjoy his breakfast yesterday after three bogies, but he's feeling much happier today after a sixty-nine."

Your turn...

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?

"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"

Sexy, backless nightgown

Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room.

"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.

"Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply.

"How could you tell?" she cooed.

"Because the shit stains are in the front,"

A young courting couple...

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss"

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies "OK why don't you go behind this hedge" She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly
brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!" "No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead".

Dear Abby

The following letters were (apparently) received by the eponymous American agony aunt. Not surprisingly, she admitted that she could not answer them:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

Carlsberg dont make souveneirs but if we did...

Adultery

There is a priest and in his village everyone keeps committing adultery. Every time they do this they go to the priest and confess their sins. After a while the priest starts to get pissed off and invites everyone to a meeting. In the meeting he tells everyone that he is pissed off with everyone confessing to him about adultery so he tells them that in the future they have to class it as "Falling".

A few years later when the priest retires a new priest arrives. The new priest keeps in contact with the old priest incase there is anything he is unsure of. After a couple of weeks of the new priest arriving he goes to the old priest and says, "everyone keeps telling me that they have fallen, why is this a sin?".

The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."

Thanks -Carl

BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team

1 - Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (France v Senegal), the commentator must mention England.

2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.

3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point during the England v Argentina match.

4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.

5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately 20 times.

6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match,or only on 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.

7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.

8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as
being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability.. Reference must continually be given to the recent 5 - 1 thrashing dished out by England.

9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.

10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as "we" and "us".

11 - We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Nigerians are fast but bad at defending, The Cameroonians are
disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.

12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England. (eg - Sweden v Nigeria should be referred to as Ljunberg v Kanu).

13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as possible.

14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."

15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.

16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.

17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Japan and Korea, but
emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.

18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.

19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie andBobby Charlton should be mentioned.

20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.

Adultery

The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."

Thanks -Carl

BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a bee when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(It's a beauty)

(wait for it)

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Come in number 10....

After argentina's attempt to retire diego maradonna's number 10 shirt was rejected by FIFA, the Argentinian manager has allocated the shirt to the third goalkeeper, meaning that the argentine number 10 will be allowed to use his hands.

No change there then.

Heaven and Hell

International Relations ~ Thanks Debbie

Nelson Mandela

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the vegetable fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds," They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

~ Thanks Peter

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought "How did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bough a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkeness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheremone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out "How did I spend so much money?"

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out "What happened?" With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes in descending order, those parts of time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts - another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and hump-A-lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins.

The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

Aerobics

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

Another Mastercard beauty... Getting caught having a whiz on the sidelines while pretending to be stretching

Q: What's the difference between Israel and Dwight Yorke?
A: Israel know when to pull out of Jordan! -- Sent in by David!

Bra sizes

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs...
B - Barely there...
C - Can Do...
D - Damn good...
E - Enormous...
F - Fake...

Christian Pick-up lines.......

1.. Nice bible.
2.. I would like to pray with you.
3.. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
4.. God told me to come talk to you.
5.. I know a church where we could go and talk.
6.. How about a hug, sister/brother?
7.. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8.. Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
9.. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10.. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11.. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12.. I am here for you.
13.. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry"; how about dinner?
14.. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15.. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16.. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17.. Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18.. Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
19.. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20.. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21.. (For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22.. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
23.. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
24.. Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
25.. What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.

Tiscali AnyTime

We received an email from Dr Jeremy Sims, a GP from Ryde on the Isle of Wight, and winner of the RIPHH Thomas Latimer Cleave Memorial Prize for Excellence in Nutrition and Health 2000, no less.

(We only include these details to prove that he's not a big thicky.)

He drew our attention to a message Tiscali sent to its customers recently. It reads: "Great news! Get over 670 hours per month FREE! Upgrade to Tiscali AnyTime NOW and you can get free Internet access at any time of the day or night - that's over 670 hours per month FREE for just £14.99 per month."

Dr Sims is confused. "Am I going mad or are Tiscali? Are they seriously suggesting that I can get something FREE by PAYING for it? By any definition that isn't FREE and therefore, with my physician's hat on (or should that be steth?) I diagnose that Tiscali are deluded and therefore clinically insane."

From The silicon.com Weekly Round-Up

Ulrika Jonson was caught masturbating with a mobile phone the other day...
Not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her then! - Nice one David!

'Is This Why England Squad Announcement Was Late?'

From Football365.com?

Female Stress Diet

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope
with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten
directly from freezer)

DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories

2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the
chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories
don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:
chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)

5. If you fatten up the people around you,
you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part
of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.
(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up
causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has
no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat.
Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream;apples and red jelly snakes.

10.Chocolate is a food-colour wildcard
and may be substituted for any other colour.

11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
and the density of calorie mass.

12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate.

And remember:
STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

sent by Liza

Those crazy Canadians: http://www.toronto.com/profile/672037

The Queen's Jubilee

Iraq isn't the only country where an unelected leader squanders billions on a personal celebration while the country is in chaos.

Prince Philip's anorexic joke

During a visit to Devon he asked a blind woman with a dog: "Do you know they now have eating dogs for anorexics?"

His most famous gaffes include:

Addressing British Students in China in 1986: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed"
In Cardiff 1999 he told a group of deaf people standing near a steel band: "If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf."

Q: Why did ITV Digital end up being like my girl friend?

A: I gave them both loads of money and neither of them lets me watch the football. Ah well, as least one one of them can still be turned on with my credit card.

More ITV digital jokes

Going Ape

When [South African Space Tourist] Mark Shuttleworth returns to planet Earth lets all dress in ape suits.

Thought for the day: How exactly do anarchists organise a demo? [More]

Irish Joke

A 40 year old Irish spinster was desperate for a husband, but to no avail. In the end she visited her family doctor to see if he could help her, She explained to him her desperate need to find a man. " Doctor can you help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeee" So the doctor told her to pop in behind the curtain and strip off all her clothes and he would examine her to see what the problem might be!

She emerged naked and he told her "Get down on all fours and crawl towards me, fixing me with your eyes", this she did and when she reached him, He told her to turn around and crawl away from him, which she did. After she had got dressed and sat back down asked "Doctor can you see what the problem might be?"

"I can" he said "I can see what your problem is - Your Arse is as ugly as you face "

Thanks - Liza

Think before opening your GOB!

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."

BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

NEW ORACLE DATABASE IS "STUPEFYINGLY DULL"

At a packed press conference at industry fair PropellerHeads2002 (held every April in Santa Monica), Larry Ellison unveiled his company's latest marvel - The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition - which he claimed was five times as powerful, four times as stable and three and half times more tedious than its nearest rival.

As the plainly-boxed software package sat on a velvet cushion in front of him, Ellison explained to the stunned audience that his company had attained "unprecedented levels of tedium."

"We all know how boring databases can be," he explained - flipping through Powerpoint slides more or less at random in an effort to stay awake - "but with The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition we've really broken new ground. You might have thought Windows.net was uninteresting. You might have thought XML was uninspiring. Well you wait till one of our sales boys starts talking to you about remotely audited rollback segments. I tell you, it's better than counting sheep!"

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has hit back at his long-standing rival Ellison claiming that the latest Windows XP drivers are "pretty damned tiresome" and pointing out that whereas Oracle issues new software once or twice a year, Microsoft keeps its customers busy throughout the product life-cycle, with a seemingly unending series of updates, patches and bug-fixes "all uniquely soporific".

However, industry commentators agree that this round goes to Ellison, fairly and squarely. "I've got to hand it to him," commented lifelong computer bore Ian Popeck. "I've stayed awake through four hour seminars on practical considerations related detailed diagnostic tools for debugging low-level assembler, but I didn't get more than four pages into the user manual for The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition without beginning to feel my eyelids getting heavy. I've had it for nearly a week now, and I still haven't got past the chapter on data warehousing in a multi-user, multi-system environment. It's quite an achievement."

But some think that Ellison has gone too far. Professor Hugo Z Hackenbush - whose books on accidents at work "Don't Put Your Head In There: A Study In Stupidity" and "You Won't Be Doing That Again In A Hurry (Or Much Else For That Matter)", regularly top the bestseller lists - told us "I believe that this product is not merely record-breakingly tedious, it's actually dangerously tedious. We've already had reports of one lathe operator who remembered seeing an advertisement for it while at work and is still recovering in hospital. Heaven knows what will happen when users start trying to install it. The man's a menace."

None of this, however seemed likely to faze Ellison yesterday, as he completed his presentation with the words "are there any questions?" His reply was merely the gentle snoring of 200 slumbering journalists.

As I've Matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe Something good will happen. If not...tough shit.

Football - true story

Stan Collymore was attempting to present the Radio 5 phone in last night taking calls from the most f*ckwitted football fans the country has to offer. However, my faith in the public was restored when one guy phoned in to say "Stan, I really think you should be picked for the England Squad", "Cheers", said Stan, "Why's that?"

"Because you're the only one who knows anything about beating Swedes" He was cut off....

Patient having op on backside breaks wind, causing fire

A Danish man having surgery on his backside broke wind and set his genitals alight. A surgeon was removing a mole on his backside with an electric knife when the man broke wind, lighting a spark. His genitals had been washed with surgical spirits and caught fire.
Read full story at Ananova

As I've Matured:

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe Something good will happen. If not...tough shit.

Football - true story

Patient having op on backside breaks wind, causing fire

DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH"

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.

'Not depressed, just British' Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.

Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really". It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

"Suicidal?" Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

Two Palestinian birds walking down Jerusalem High Street in their best flowing gowns. One says to the other: "Tracy, does my bomb look big in this?"

Negotiations In Israel

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course." The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing. "Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him. "It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!" "All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Sharon and Powell are talking

Sharon and Powell are talking about the war in Israel when suddenly suddenly a journalist drops in. The journalist asks Sharon.... "Did you come to an agreement with Powell about the conflict?" Sharon says....yes....we both agreed that before drawing back Israel is allowed to kill another 10.000 palistinians and one dentist."

The journalist asks : 'What and one dentist, why is that'...

So Sharon turns back to Powell and says :'You see, told you nobody cares about the Palistinians'....

It is good to be a woman...

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass wind to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her bum.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Q: What’s the first thing that Essex Girls do in the morning?
A: Go home!
For loads more Essex Girl Jokes visit David Demaine's Jokepage!

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

- Thanks to Rich for that one

Q: What do call a female police officer who shaves her pubes?
A: Contstable!
--Thanks to David for that one

Scouse mum

Q. What's big and hairy and sticks out of your PJ's at night?
A. Your Head.

Say it with flowers

This evening at Victoria, a very large poster was displayed informing us of a "Violet Assault" on one of the late trains and appealing for witnesses. I didn't see anything but I wish I had. A most unorthodox choice of weapon!

12 April 2002 - Cath

Dog Vs Cat

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Poor Monkey

More ITV digital jokes

Grades

This is a list of the ways that professors in different departments grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?

English Dept.: Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight of all the books you read this term:

40+ pounds - A

30 pounds - B

20 pounds - C

10 pounds - D

<10 pounds - F

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics: Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

Dept. Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

Dept. Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

Dept. Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is
the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

Dept. Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the
level where your marginal product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept. Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

The end of a prick

A hedgehog had to be rescued after getting its penis stuck in a fence. A vet in Holland tried to relieve the swelling with ice packs. But the hedgehog went into shock and had to be put down. Full story: http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_556687.html

Two nuns

Two nuns were walking down the steps of a church when a young priest walked up and into the church nodding to them. "That father James, he's a rascal." "Sister Anna what do you mean?" "Well, he opened his pants one day when I was confessing and told me that his penis was the staff of life, and had me pull it" 'Well, said the other nun, He told me it was Gabriel's horn and made me blow it!.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a
car crash?
A: He's all right now.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam".

Me Drunk?

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his arse.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor

Radio stations routinely pay money to people so that they will tell their most embarrassing stories on the air. Here is the what is believed to be a story of a "lucky" winner of one of these contests.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom... where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Unofficial Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Sexual Identity

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity...

-A-

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

-B-

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

-C-

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship.You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

-D-

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

-E-

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)

-F-

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

-G-

You are crap in bed!

-H-

You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

-I-

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

-J-

You are totally fucking marvelous!

-K-

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

-L-

You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

-M-

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate.

-N-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

-O-

You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

-P-

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

-Q-

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

-R-

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

-S-

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

-T-

You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

-U-

You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

-V-

You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

-W-

You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

-X-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

-Y-

You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

-Z-

For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Easter Virus

Crashes your system on a Friday, but don¹t worry.....it comes back to life on Sunday !

News Flash

Easter has been cancelled... They found the body.

It's Rotten being an Egg !

* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes you three minutes to get hard.
* The only person who sits on your face is your mother.
* You come in a box with eleven other guys!!!
* You get tossed in the bin when they're finished with you.

Marketing

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

The wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Delia's Way vs Real Women's Way

Delias way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Gods sake, you're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delias way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delias way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakers. They'll even decorate it for you.

Delias way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you're cooking, that's tough. Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Delias way #5: Wrap celery in foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Delias way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Fray Bentos pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Delias way #7: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using rubber gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very gorgeous neighbour to do it.

Delias way #8: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?

Delias way #9: When catering for an evening buffet, calculate food portions and timings a week in advance, so that you're not rushing on the night.
The Real Women's Way: Nip into Marks & Sparks on the way home that evening, and buy everything in packets.

Delias way #10:When you have finished the preparation for your buffet, wash up and treat yourself to a glass of wine.
The Real Women's Way: Hide the packets and drain the last of that "pre dinner" wine bottle...

Two sperm were swimming around, when one says to the other f**k this is hard trying to find this fallopian tube, fallopian tube says the other sperm we have'nt got past the tonsils yet......

Thanks Cary for that one

London Travel News

If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. A team of scientists at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:

4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
human excrement
rodent excrement
human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

the remains of 6 mice
the remains of 2 large rats
1 previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol)

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why theyare participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here....................

And that's how company policy begins.

Overheard

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Men's Rules for Women

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the old Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

NTL letter of complaint

From a contact who doesn't work for NTL ;-) - You have to read this to the end - if you ever need a template for a complaint for anything at all here is a good start. This letter is one of the best letters of complaint I have seen. We can all learn from this lyrical craftsmanship.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website…. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived … a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%… these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman…. and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who tried to scare America?
He covered his monitor with Anthrax and then sent an e-mail to the US President.

Did you hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to scare America?
She actually put the Anthrax into an envelope, then sealed it with a
loving kiss...

Rumors which just ain't true

It's just not true...

...that Bush thought Afghanistan was a dog breeding farm in Texas

...that Osama bin Laden was trained by Grizzly Adams in 'Hide and Seek'

...that Bush learned to walk and speak 2 years ago to increase his chances in the elections.

...that Bush was voted most intelligent student by his fellow classmates at high school

..that on first seeing a photo of Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush thought Santa Clause has turned bad

...that Daddy Bush ties George W.'s shoe laces when he leaves for work

...that when Goerge W. Bush visited the mosque a few weeks ago he started chanting "Hare Krishna" to please the Muslim community.

What's a Taliban moderate?
Somebody who wants to crash half-empty planes into 50-story buildings.

The ultimate punishment for Osama bin Laden?
Catch him, give him a sex change, and send her back to live in Afghanistan.

Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!

There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had tits of different sizes
One was small
Almost nothing at all
And the other was big, and won prizes.

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were seemly connected at belly,
Because in their haste
They use library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"

There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"

A New Computer

Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax XP Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running.

Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software - Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen Saver, and East Africa Route Finder - which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.

So turn the page and let's get started!

Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.

(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/XP is configured to use 80386, 214J10 or higher processors running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry.)

To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be dispatched to you within 12 working months.)

The contents of the box should include some of the following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000-page Owner's Manual; Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.

Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need an Anthrax/XP auxiliary unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator, and an electrical substation.

Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power off-load unit sub- orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio-video lineout jack. Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will then download. (Allow three to five days.) When downloading is complete, your screen will say:'Yeah, what?'

Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A (marked 'Disk D' or 'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or J, and type. 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the DOS command prompt, enter your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your Licence Verification Number. If you are unable to find your Licence Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on tour screen.

(Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the button launch icon, select a single equation default file from the macro selection register, insert the VGA graphics card in the rear aerofoil, and type 'C:\>' followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.

Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?'

Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file compression, permanent loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive.

Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.

Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared, insert disk A2 (marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as directed with each of the 187 other disks. When installation is complete, return to file path, and type your name, address and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will automatically register you and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises, which will be getting in touch shortly.

Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.

Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying
start.

Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of
someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then
write, 'Sincerely yours', followed by your own name.

Congratulations.

Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose Retrieve from SubDirectory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu, and double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window. Assign the tile cascade to a merge file and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a drawer.

Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.

Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make sure the power button is in the 'On' position; check the cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive out into the country and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.

Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high-protein diet or call your pet shop support line.

Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/XP# Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.

Tips For Men For Surviving PMS

In the ninth month of the new century
several idiots of retarded mind
will bring forth stupid verbiage
which will be believed by others of retarded mind
in the city of 'dork' they will converge
they shall board a small yellow bus
and press their lips to the glass
and no longer will they be allowed to play
with sharp things

Nostradumbass 1654

Warning for US Residents

Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who goes #2 on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.

Q: How do you play bin Laden Bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...M-16.

Greetings Gents, I'm assuming that you suffer from PMS, not directly, but suffer none the less. Lets get right to it...

Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: Will it ever end?
A: Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.

Q: Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time?
A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.

Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.

Q: What should I do to cope with this?
A: Glad you asked... (take notes)

1. Pamper your woman! Shower her with love and affection.

2. Duck (alot).

3. Let her vent. Remember, she probably doesn't mean it.

4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it... don't whine.

5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain - Order out.

6. Speak only when spoken to - Limit your replies to: "Yes, of course you're right darling" and "those jeans never fit better."

7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.

8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path, keep the casualties to a minimum.

9. Gifts and "shiny" tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words: Frederick's, Macys & Spiegel.

10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power...

Real men buy necessities at the store!

Hark! I hear the canons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, "what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."

So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"

So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts, "What the heck was that?!"

Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky when the barman delivers the drink the cowboy asks "where is everybody." The barman replies ?they've gone to the hanging"

"Hanging who are they hanging?"

"Brown paper Pete"

"Brown paper Pete? what kind of a name is that?"

"Well" says the barman "he wears a brown paper hat,brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes"

"How bizarre what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling"

Stress and Disease

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.

"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed.

The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.

"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' " Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.

"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them." The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for s