New Stuff
Romance
verheard at Lincoln's Inn Fields
Sir, Will Hutton be forgotten? Never; his judgment is already a folk legend.
At court on Friday two barristers were awaiting a judge's ruling.
One said: "If he does a Hutton on me I'll go straight to the Court of Appeal."
I can see him chanted by visiting fans at referees' decisions at Old Trafford
for decades.
jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
There was once a girl called ulrika,
whose sex life could have been sweeter.
She was battered by Stan,
Sven wasn't a fan
and was raped by a cu*t from Blue Peter!
TAKEN FROM THE NEWS.....
....."last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the
united nations.the only question asked was 'would you please give your honest
opinion about food shortage in the rest of the world?'.....the survey was a
huge failure - in africa they didnt know what food meant. in eastern europe
they didnt know what honest meant. in western europe they didnt know what shortage
meant. in china they didnt know what opinion meant...........in the middle east
they didnt know what solution meant.....in south america they didnt know what
please meant.....and in america,they didnt know what the rest of the world meant........"
Extract From The Latest Mills and Boon Novel:-
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, 'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.
This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, Wales and certainparts of Derbyshire.
1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest
1/12 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15
penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated
and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and
failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen
basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold
sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting
a small amount of their faeces.
You may have heard a sports report on the Today programme a while back about the Open golf championship which went:
"Jasper Parnevik didn't enjoy his breakfast yesterday after
three bogies, but he's feeling much happier today after a sixty-nine."
Your turn...
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?
"Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"
Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room.
"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.
"Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply.
"How could you tell?" she cooed.
"Because the shit stains are in the front,"
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country
lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to
a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't
mind but I really do need to have a piss"
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies "OK why don't you go
behind this hedge" She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous
legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap
in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly
brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment
finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!" "No"
she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead".
The following letters were (apparently) received by the eponymous
American agony aunt. Not surprisingly, she admitted that she could not answer
them:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man
go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on
my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get
out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through
her mental pause?
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and
he IS a doctor. What now?
Adultery
There is a priest and in his village everyone keeps committing adultery. Every time they do this they go to the priest and confess their sins. After a while the priest starts to get pissed off and invites everyone to a meeting. In the meeting he tells everyone that he is pissed off with everyone confessing to him about adultery so he tells them that in the future they have to class it as "Falling".
A few years later when the priest retires a new priest arrives. The new priest keeps in contact with the old priest incase there is anything he is unsure of. After a couple of weeks of the new priest arriving he goes to the old priest and says, "everyone keeps telling me that they have fallen, why is this a sin?".
The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."
Thanks -Carl
BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team
1 - Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (France v
Senegal), the commentator must mention England.
2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be
mentioned within the first minute.
3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point
during the England v Argentina match.
4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made
within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately
20 times.
6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match,or only on 4 or 5
occasions for matches not involving England.
7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator
will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as
being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer
to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing
ability.. Reference must continually be given to the recent 5 - 1 thrashing
dished out by England.
9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters,
The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.
10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England
as "we" and "us".
11 - We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course,
the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Nigerians are fast but
bad at defending, The Cameroonians are
disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because
their best players play in England.
12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that
are playing in England. (eg - Sweden v Nigeria should be referred to as Ljunberg
v Kanu).
13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often
as possible.
14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England
Expects."
15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth,
then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.
17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Japan and Korea, but
emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football
since 1966.
18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme,
the hero of 1966.
19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie andBobby
Charlton should be mentioned.
20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is
a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.
Adultery
There is a priest and in his village everyone keeps committing adultery. Every time they do this they go to the priest and confess their sins. After a while the priest starts to get pissed off and invites everyone to a meeting. In the meeting he tells everyone that he is pissed off with everyone confessing to him about adultery so he tells them that in the future they have to class it as "Falling".
A few years later when the priest retires a new priest arrives. The new priest keeps in contact with the old priest incase there is anything he is unsure of. After a couple of weeks of the new priest arriving he goes to the old priest and says, "everyone keeps telling me that they have fallen, why is this a sin?".
The old priest starts laughing and the new priest says, "Its no laughing matter, your wife has fallen six times this week."
Thanks -Carl
BBC World Cup Guidelines for commentary team
1 - Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (France v
Senegal), the commentator must mention England.
2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be
mentioned within the first minute.
3 - The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point
during the England v Argentina match.
4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made
within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be mentioned approximately
20 times.
6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match,or only on 4 or 5
occasions for matches not involving England.
7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator
will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as
being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer
to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing
ability.. Reference must continually be given to the recent 5 - 1 thrashing
dished out by England.
9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters,
The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.
10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England
as "we" and "us".
11 - We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course,
the Germans are arrogant. The Spanish are bottlers, The Nigerians are fast but
bad at defending, The Cameroonians are
disorganised, The Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because
their best players play in England.
12 - For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that
are playing in England. (eg - Sweden v Nigeria should be referred to as Ljunberg
v Kanu).
13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often
as possible.
14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England
Expects."
15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth,
then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.
17 - Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in Japan and Korea, but
emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football
since 1966.
18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme,
the hero of 1966.
19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie andBobby
Charlton should be mentioned.
20 - When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is
a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a bee when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese
man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him,
"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in
his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little
Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under
Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese
man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want
them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting
a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses
his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells
at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and
says...
(It's a beauty)
(wait for it)
(Get your Japanese accent ready...)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Come in number 10....
After argentina's attempt to retire diego maradonna's number 10
shirt was rejected by FIFA, the Argentinian manager has allocated the shirt
to the third goalkeeper, meaning that the argentine number 10 will be allowed
to use his hands.
No change there then.
International Relations ~ Thanks Debbie
Nelson Mandela
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the vegetable fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off." Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"
They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men
of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
~ Thanks Peter
The Beer Scooter
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought "How did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bough a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkeness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheremone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out "How did I spend so much money?"
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out "What happened?" With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes in descending order, those parts of time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts - another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and hump-A-lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins.
The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
Aerobics
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Another Mastercard beauty... Getting caught having a whiz on the sidelines while pretending to be stretching
Q: What's the difference between Israel and Dwight Yorke?
A: Israel know when to pull out of Jordan! -- Sent in by David!
Bra sizes
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs...
B - Barely there...
C - Can Do...
D - Damn good...
E - Enormous...
F - Fake...
Christian Pick-up lines.......
1.. Nice bible.
2.. I would like to pray with you.
3.. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
4.. God told me to come talk to you.
5.. I know a church where we could go and talk.
6.. How about a hug, sister/brother?
7.. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8.. Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
9.. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10.. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11.. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12.. I am here for you.
13.. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry";
how about dinner?
14.. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15.. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16.. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17.. Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all
my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18.. Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
19.. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20.. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21.. (For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22.. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice
person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
23.. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated
a christian.
24.. Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
25.. What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
Tiscali AnyTime
We received an email from Dr Jeremy Sims, a GP from Ryde on the Isle of Wight, and winner of the RIPHH Thomas Latimer Cleave Memorial Prize for Excellence in Nutrition and Health 2000, no less.
(We only include these details to prove that he's not a big thicky.)
He drew our attention to a message Tiscali sent to its customers recently. It reads: "Great news! Get over 670 hours per month FREE! Upgrade to Tiscali AnyTime NOW and you can get free Internet access at any time of the day or night - that's over 670 hours per month FREE for just £14.99 per month."
Dr Sims is confused. "Am I going mad or are Tiscali? Are they seriously suggesting that I can get something FREE by PAYING for it? By any definition that isn't FREE and therefore, with my physician's hat on (or should that be steth?) I diagnose that Tiscali are deluded and therefore clinically insane."
From The silicon.com Weekly Round-Up
Ulrika Jonson was caught masturbating with a mobile phone the
other day...
Not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her then! - Nice one David!
'Is This Why England Squad Announcement Was Late?'
Female Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope
with the stress that builds up during the day:
BREAKFAST:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella
DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten
directly from freezer)
DIET RULES:
1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet-coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the
chocolate bar is cancelled out by the diet-coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories
don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (for example:
chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you,
you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part
of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake.
(this includes: popcorn, minties, maltesers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up
causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has
no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat.
Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream;apples and red jelly snakes.
10.Chocolate is a food-colour wildcard
and may be substituted for any other colour.
11.Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
and the density of calorie mass.
12.Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
rightfully belongs to the other person and the fat will cling to his/her plate.
And remember:
STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
sent by Liza
Those crazy Canadians: http://www.toronto.com/profile/672037
The Queen's Jubilee
Iraq isn't the only country where an unelected leader squanders billions on a personal celebration while the country is in chaos.
Prince Philip's anorexic joke
During a visit to Devon he asked a blind woman with a dog: "Do you know they now have eating dogs for anorexics?"
His most famous gaffes include:
Addressing British Students in China in 1986: "If you stay
here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed"
In Cardiff 1999 he told a group of deaf people standing near a steel band: "If
you are near there, no wonder you are deaf."
Q: Why did ITV Digital end up being like my girl friend?
A: I gave them both loads of money and neither
of them lets me watch the football. Ah well, as least one one of them can still
be turned on with my credit card.
Going Ape
When [South African Space Tourist] Mark Shuttleworth returns to planet Earth lets all dress in ape suits.
Thought for the day: How exactly do anarchists organise a demo? [More]
Irish Joke
A 40 year old Irish spinster was desperate for a husband, but
to no avail. In the end she visited her family doctor to see if he could help
her, She explained to him her desperate need to find a man. " Doctor can
you help me pleaseeeeeeeeeeee" So the doctor told her to pop in behind
the curtain and strip off all her clothes and he would examine her to see what
the problem might be!
She emerged naked and he told her "Get down on all fours and crawl towards
me, fixing me with your eyes", this she did and when she reached him, He
told her to turn around and crawl away from him, which she did. After she had
got dressed and sat back down asked "Doctor can you see what the problem
might be?"
"I can" he said "I can see what your problem is - Your Arse is
as ugly as you face "
Thanks - Liza
Think before opening your GOB!
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come
in his shorts."
ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she
revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."
LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is
here to give our model one."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said
to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when
she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel
room."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called
Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques
Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
NEW ORACLE DATABASE IS "STUPEFYINGLY DULL"
At a packed press conference at industry fair PropellerHeads2002
(held every April in Santa Monica), Larry Ellison unveiled his company's latest
marvel - The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition - which
he claimed was five times as powerful, four times as stable and three and half
times more tedious than its nearest rival.
As the plainly-boxed software package sat on a velvet cushion in front of him,
Ellison explained to the stunned audience that his company had attained "unprecedented
levels of tedium."
"We all know how boring databases can be," he explained - flipping
through Powerpoint slides more or less at random in an effort to stay awake
- "but with The Oracle 10ix Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition
we've really broken new ground. You might have thought Windows.net was uninteresting.
You might have thought XML was uninspiring. Well you wait till one of our sales
boys starts talking to you about remotely audited rollback segments. I tell
you, it's better than counting sheep!"
<!-- Zzzz -->Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has hit back at his long-standing
rival Ellison claiming that the latest Windows XP drivers are "pretty damned
tiresome" and pointing out that whereas Oracle issues new software once
or twice a year, Microsoft keeps its customers busy throughout the product life-cycle,
with a seemingly unending series of updates, patches and bug-fixes "all
uniquely soporific".
However, industry commentators agree that this round goes to Ellison, fairly
and squarely. "I've got to hand it to him," commented lifelong computer
bore Ian Popeck. "I've stayed awake through four hour seminars on practical
considerations related detailed diagnostic tools for debugging low-level assembler,
but I didn't get more than four pages into the user manual for The Oracle 10ix
Multi-Clustered Relatational DB Edifice Edition without beginning to feel my
eyelids getting heavy. I've had it for nearly a week now, and I still haven't
got past the chapter on data warehousing in a multi-user, multi-system environment.
It's quite an achievement."
<!-- Zzzz -->But some think that Ellison has gone too far. Professor Hugo
Z Hackenbush - whose books on accidents at work "Don't Put Your Head In
There: A Study In Stupidity" and "You Won't Be Doing That Again In
A Hurry (Or Much Else For That Matter)", regularly top the bestseller lists
- told us "I believe that this product is not merely record-breakingly
tedious, it's actually dangerously tedious. We've already had reports of one
lathe operator who remembered seeing an advertisement for it while at work and
is still recovering in hospital. Heaven knows what will happen when users start
trying to install it. The man's a menace."
None of this, however seemed likely to faze Ellison yesterday, as he completed
his presentation with the words "are there any questions?" His reply
was merely the gentle snoring of 200 slumbering journalists.
As I've Matured:
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe Something good will happen. If not...tough shit.
Football - true story
Stan Collymore was attempting to present the Radio 5 phone in
last night taking calls from the most f*ckwitted football fans the country has
to offer. However, my faith in the public was restored when one guy phoned in
to say "Stan, I really think you should be picked for the England Squad",
"Cheers", said Stan, "Why's that?"
"Because you're the only one who knows anything about beating Swedes"
He was cut off....
Patient having op on backside breaks wind, causing
fire
A Danish man having surgery on his backside broke wind and set
his genitals alight. A surgeon was removing a mole on his backside with an electric
knife when the man broke wind, lighting a spark. His genitals had been washed
with surgical spirits and caught fire.
Read
full story at Ananova
As I've Matured:
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe Something good will happen. If not...tough shit.
Football - true story
Stan Collymore was attempting to present the Radio 5 phone in
last night taking calls from the most f*ckwitted football fans the country has
to offer. However, my faith in the public was restored when one guy phoned in
to say "Stan, I really think you should be picked for the England Squad",
"Cheers", said Stan, "Why's that?"
"Because you're the only one who knows anything about beating Swedes"
He was cut off....
Patient having op on backside breaks wind, causing
fire
A Danish man having surgery on his backside broke wind and set
his genitals alight. A surgeon was removing a mole on his backside with an electric
knife when the man broke wind, lighting a spark. His genitals had been washed
with surgical spirits and caught fire.
Read
full story at Ananova
DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH"
George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America,
was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants
and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't
depressed at all - only British.
'Not depressed, just British' Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic
pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression,
was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.
Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation
- a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains
arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or
even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.
"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly
pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything -
Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told
me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal.
I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly
that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."
Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons
grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy
repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad,
really". It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
"Suicidal?" Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history
and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in
a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical
houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be
typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy
but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold
it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he
wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely
ECT or shock treatment".
"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber
bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said
Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a
terrible mistake'."
Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding
of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert
Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing
well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US
medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression'
to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital,
with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York"
T-shirt.
Two Palestinian birds walking down Jerusalem High Street in their best flowing gowns. One says to the other: "Tracy, does my bomb look big in this?"
Negotiations In Israel
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning
of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister
requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of
course." The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites
came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through
the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo
and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank
their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including
Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was
missing. "Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him. "It
was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--"
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no
Palestinians during the time of Moses!" "All right," replies
the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
Sharon and Powell are talking
Sharon and Powell are talking about the war in Israel when suddenly suddenly a journalist drops in. The journalist asks Sharon.... "Did you come to an agreement with Powell about the conflict?" Sharon says....yes....we both agreed that before drawing back Israel is allowed to kill another 10.000 palistinians and one dentist."
The journalist asks : 'What and one dentist, why is that'...
So Sharon turns back to Powell and says :'You see, told you nobody cares about
the Palistinians'....
It is good to be a woman...
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass wind to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her bum.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are
still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they
aren't listening anyway.
Q: Whats the first thing that Essex Girls do in the morning?
A: Go home!
For loads more Essex Girl Jokes visit David
Demaine's Jokepage!
A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms
and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
- Thanks to Rich for that one
Q: What do call a female police officer who shaves her pubes?
A: Contstable!
--Thanks to David for that one
Q. What's big and hairy and sticks out of your PJ's at night?
A. Your Head.
Say it with flowers
This evening at Victoria, a very large poster was displayed informing us of a "Violet Assault" on one of the late trains and appealing for witnesses. I didn't see anything but I wish I had. A most unorthodox choice of weapon!
12 April 2002 - Cath
Dog Vs Cat
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I
get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I
was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy
chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Poor Monkey
Grades
This is a list of the ways that professors in different departments grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
English Dept.: Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight of all the books you read this term:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
<10 pounds - F
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Dept. Of Physics: Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.
Dept. Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.
Dept. Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.
Dept. Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept. Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is
the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!
Dept. Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the
level where your marginal product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is
equal.
Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01
Dept. Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
The end of a prick
A hedgehog had to be rescued after getting its penis stuck in a fence. A vet in Holland tried to relieve the swelling with ice packs. But the hedgehog went into shock and had to be put down. Full story: http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_556687.html
Two nuns
Two nuns were walking down the steps of a church when a young
priest walked up and into the church nodding to them. "That father James,
he's a rascal." "Sister Anna what do you mean?" "Well, he
opened his pants one day when I was confessing and told me that his penis was
the staff of life, and had me pull it" 'Well, said the other nun, He told
me it was Gabriel's horn and made me blow it!.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in
a
car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam".
Me Drunk?
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his arse.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd
you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of
beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor
Radio stations routinely pay money to people so that they will
tell their most embarrassing stories on the air. Here is the what is believed
to be a story of a "lucky" winner of one of these contests.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early
one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled
for early that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and
school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom... where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need
the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Unofficial Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the
club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict
the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners
have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing
what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting
to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Sexual Identity
According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity...
-A-
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
-B-
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
-C-
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship.You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
-D-
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.
-E-
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)
-F-
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
-G-
You are crap in bed!
-H-
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
-I-
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
-J-
You are totally fucking marvelous!
-K-
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
-L-
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M-
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate.
-N-
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
-O-
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P-
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
-Q-
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R-
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
-S-
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
-T-
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.
-U-
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
-V-
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
-W-
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
-X-
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
-Y-
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
-Z-
For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
Easter Virus
Crashes your system on a Friday, but don¹t worry.....it comes
back to life on Sunday !
News Flash
Easter has been cancelled... They found the body.
It's Rotten being an Egg !
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes you three minutes to get hard.
* The only person who sits on your face is your mother.
* You come in a box with eleven other guys!!!
* You get tossed in the bin when they're finished with you.
Marketing
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
The wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out, she sees
an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview
subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the
old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have
you been doing that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home,
have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and
disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding
between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Delia's Way vs Real Women's Way
Delias way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of
a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Gods sake, you're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
Delias way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delias way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the tin, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakers. They'll even decorate it for you.
Delias way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix
me up".
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you're cooking, that's tough.
Please recite with me The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it
and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Delias way #5: Wrap celery in foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep
for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Delias way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield
a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Fray Bentos pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Delias way #7: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using rubber gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very gorgeous neighbour to do it.
Delias way #8: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?
Delias way #9: When catering for an evening buffet, calculate food portions
and timings a week in advance, so that you're not rushing on the night.
The Real Women's Way: Nip into Marks & Sparks on the way home that evening,
and buy everything in packets.
Delias way #10:When you have finished the preparation for your buffet, wash
up and treat yourself to a glass of wine.
The Real Women's Way: Hide the packets and drain the last of that "pre
dinner" wine bottle...
Two sperm were swimming around, when one says to the other f**k this is hard
trying to find this fallopian tube, fallopian tube says the other sperm we have'nt
got past the tonsils yet......
Thanks Cary for that one
London Travel News
If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. A team of scientists at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
When the seats were taken apart, they found:
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.
It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.
It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.
It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol)
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang
a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey
will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches
the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another
monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed
with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs,
the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original
monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest
monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating
him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why theyare
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have
ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches
the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here....................
And that's how company policy begins.
Overheard
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Men's Rules for Women
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the old Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
NTL letter of complaint
From a contact who doesn't work for NTL ;-) - You have to read
this to the end - if you ever need a template for a complaint for anything at
all here is a good start. This letter is one of the best letters of complaint
I have seen. We can all learn from this lyrical craftsmanship.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website . how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35% these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman . and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
Xxxx Xxxxxxx
Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who tried to scare America?
He covered his monitor with Anthrax and then sent an e-mail to the US President.
Did you hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to scare America?
She actually put the Anthrax into an envelope, then sealed it with a
loving kiss...
Rumors which just ain't true
It's just not true...
...that Bush thought Afghanistan was a dog breeding farm in Texas
...that Osama bin Laden was trained by Grizzly Adams in 'Hide and Seek'
...that Bush learned to walk and speak 2 years ago to increase his chances in the elections.
...that Bush was voted most intelligent student by his fellow classmates at high school
..that on first seeing a photo of Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush thought Santa Clause has turned bad
...that Daddy Bush ties George W.'s shoe laces when he leaves for work
...that when Goerge W. Bush visited the mosque a few weeks ago he started chanting "Hare Krishna" to please the Muslim community.
What's a Taliban moderate?
Somebody who wants to crash half-empty planes into 50-story buildings.
The ultimate punishment for Osama bin Laden?
Catch him, give him a sex change, and send her back to live in Afghanistan.
Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had tits of different sizes
One was small
Almost nothing at all
And the other was big, and won prizes.
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were seemly connected at belly,
Because in their haste
They use library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"
There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Said he, "I'll admit
She does smell a bit,
But look at the money I save!"
A New Computer
Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax XP Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running.
Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software - Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen Saver, and East Africa Route Finder - which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.
So turn the page and let's get started!
Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.
(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/XP is configured to use 80386, 214J10 or higher processors running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry.)
To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be dispatched to you within 12 working months.)
The contents of the box should include some of the following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000-page Owner's Manual; Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.
Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need an Anthrax/XP auxiliary unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator, and an electrical substation.
Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power off-load unit sub- orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio-video lineout jack. Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will then download. (Allow three to five days.) When downloading is complete, your screen will say:'Yeah, what?'
Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A (marked 'Disk D' or 'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or J, and type. 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the DOS command prompt, enter your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your Licence Verification Number. If you are unable to find your Licence Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on tour screen.
(Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the button launch icon, select a single equation default file from the macro selection register, insert the VGA graphics card in the rear aerofoil, and type 'C:\>' followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.
Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?'
Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file compression, permanent loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive.
Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.
Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared, insert disk A2 (marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as directed with each of the 187 other disks. When installation is complete, return to file path, and type your name, address and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will automatically register you and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises, which will be getting in touch shortly.
Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.
Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying
start.
Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of
someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then
write, 'Sincerely yours', followed by your own name.
Congratulations.
Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose Retrieve from SubDirectory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu, and double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window. Assign the tile cascade to a merge file and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a drawer.
Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make sure
the power button is in the 'On' position; check the cables for damage; dig up
underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive out into the country
and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.
Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high-protein diet or call your pet shop support line.
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/XP#
Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.
Tips For Men For Surviving PMS
In the ninth month of the new century
several idiots of retarded mind
will bring forth stupid verbiage
which will be believed by others of retarded mind
in the city of 'dork' they will converge
they shall board a small yellow bus
and press their lips to the glass
and no longer will they be allowed to play
with sharp things
Nostradumbass 1654
Warning for US Residents
Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who goes #2 on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable
source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose
brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs
from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker
who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who
works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom
about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.
Q: How do you play bin Laden Bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...M-16.
Greetings Gents, I'm assuming that you suffer from PMS, not directly, but suffer none the less. Lets get right to it...
Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: Will it ever end?
A: Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.
Q: Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time?
A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.
Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.
Q: What should I do to cope with this?
A: Glad you asked... (take notes)
1. Pamper your woman! Shower her with love and affection.
2. Duck (alot).
3. Let her vent. Remember, she probably doesn't mean it.
4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it... don't whine.
5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain - Order out.
6. Speak only when spoken to - Limit your replies to: "Yes, of course you're right darling" and "those jeans never fit better."
7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.
8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path, keep the casualties to a minimum.
9. Gifts and "shiny" tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words: Frederick's, Macys & Spiegel.
10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power...
Real men buy necessities at the store!
Hark! I hear the canons roar
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, "what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."
So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"
So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts, "What the heck was that?!"
Brown Paper Pete
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky when the barman delivers the drink the cowboy asks "where is everybody." The barman replies ?they've gone to the hanging"
"Hanging who are they hanging?"
"Brown paper Pete"
"Brown paper Pete? what kind of a name is that?"
"Well" says the barman "he wears a brown paper hat,brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes"
"How bizarre what are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling"
Stress and Disease
SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.
"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.
Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.
"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed.
The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.
"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.
"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.
"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "
The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' " Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.
"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!" Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.
"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them." The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.
Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."
Stress and Disease
Last week a friend of mine went to a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you.
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, I am so glad that I
do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.
New York 2032....
A man and his son are walking through a highly built-up Manhattan when they come across an empty space and the father stops to reflect for a while.
"Imagine son," the father says "Exactly 31 years ago the great twin towers stood proudly in this area". Intrigued by the comment the son then asks "What were the twin towers dad?"
To which the father replys "They were two of the largest buildings in the world and they housed many thousands of offices....but in 2001 they were destroyed by Arabs"
The son pauses for a while and then asks "What were Arabs dad?"
Magic carpet ride
A pilot is flying his bomber over Afghanistan when he looks out of his cockpit and sees a flying carpet with a man holding a machine gun sitting on it. He quickly looks out of the other side and sees another carpet flying alongside him. Swiftly he locks on to the targets and shoots them both from the sky before returning to his aircraft carrier.
On landing the pilot's Captain comes running up to him, "we saw what happened on the radar, what the hell do you think you were doing?" aircraft carrier.
"Well," said the pilot I saw the magic carpets and shot them down before they shot me." aircraft carrier.
"No you idiot, they were on our side," replied the captain. "They were Allied Carpets!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Good exercise
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until
recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure
of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary
research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent........................ 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth......................... 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection........................ 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.............. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................... 12 Calories
69 lying down........................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................. 326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................. 80 Calories
40-49 years............................. 124 Calories
50-59 years............................. 972 Calories
60-69 years............................. 2916 Calories
70 and over............................. Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Q: Where does Virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly Sheep.
Terrorists found in Auckland
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Otara, Auckland, New Zealand. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Auckland Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
25 hard ons
A man in his 40s goes in for a physical. The doctor says I have good news and I have bad news. The man says, Give me the bad news first.
Doc says, There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you wont have any more for the rest of your life. The man says, What in the world is the good news?
Doc says, We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly. The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her, Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news. She says, Give me the good news.
He says, I can only have 25 more erections, and then I cant have any more, ever.
She says, We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?
He says, I made a list, ...... and you aren t on it..
BBC Special Forces to resolve the Afghan terrorist problem
UK Prime Minister Tony Blair this afternoon confirmed that the Western Coalition had approved his sending in of an elite team of BBC Peaktime Presenters to try and resolve the Afghan terrorist problem. In a move strongly supported by the BBC Director General Mr Greg Dyke, Mr Blair advised that this new initiative would be pursued in preference to the despatch of conventional 'special forces' fighting troops. The action also sat very comfortably with Mr Dyke's proposals to drop several 'low-brow' populist television programmes sich as GROUND FORCE, CHANGING ROOMS and THEY THINK ITS ALL OVER.
"If they think that Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen is not dangerous then they've got another thing coming," declared Mr Blair in a small press conference staged at Chequers. "The terrorist would be unwise to under-estimate MDF and Bizzy Lizzies. We are very confident of results."
Military analysts predict that the first BBC presenters to be parachuted in will comprise a foraging party of TV chefs. Jamie Oliver will scout round on his scooter looking for wild rice and a local Tesco whilst Ainsley Harriett will set up a 'Carry On' style kitchen tent in which to prepare exotic local dishes. Rick Stein will wander off into the hills to tearfully lament the absence of a Cornish fishing village and Delia Smith will flit round on a broomstick, spitting down upon her culinary colleagues. It is believed that this strange behaviour will flummox the Afghan rebels, at which time the second wave of attack can begin.
"They will all be leaning on their Kalashnikovs and scrathing their heads, when Charlie Dimmock will lead the second attack," explained a spokesman for Number 10. "The sex-starved hill tribes will be mesmerised by her pert and specially tweaked assets. Whilst they are held spell-bound by Ms Dimmock, Alan Titchmarsh will then push forward into Bin Laden's stronghold, and, sharing a cuppa over the garden fence with the evil man's closest aides, charm them with his Alan Bennett routine. We are hopeful that by this time next Friday, we will have a water feature and strategically placed decking in place."
It is hoped that the following weekend will be fine enough to tempt Bin Laden out from his hideaway cave to admire the new landscaping improvements. If he does, he will set his eyes upon a unique and cunning subterfuge. Gary Linker and David Gower will be dropped in to stage an impromptu star-lit version of THEY THINK ITS BIN LADEN, in which Jonathan Ross and Rory McGrath spin anti-Islamic buffonery for thirty minutes. Gloria Hunniford will then take the stage along with Robert Kilroy-Silk, to chair a debate entitled "Do Real Hill Fighters Cry?" If all this suceeds in diverting the evil man's attention, Stage Three of Operation Low Brow Elimination can take effect: Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen and Carol Smilie will sneak into Bin Laden's cave HQ to "brighten things up a little."
"Hey, it's obvious what Mr Bin Laden's problem is," said Mr Llewellyn-Bowen, "he hasn't got enough purple in his life. A few throws, a picture rail, a Gothic archway - that'll soon fix those unresolved frustrations. You just wait until he returns to 'Chez Bin' after the show. The sound of his jaw dropping in shocked admiration will resonate throughout the Muslim world. And in years to come, those crazy Afghan mullahs will put aside their guns and knives and instead take up stencils and crochet. They will worship a new God and His name will begin not with A but with L. As in LLB. Huh-huh, ok?"
Elsewhere, other low brow commentators spoke out in support of these measures.
"We have been carefully studying quite serious and important papers and it does appear likely that Carry On Up The Khyber was bang right," said Trevor MacDonald in slow, measured tones. "The average Taleban rebel likes a good old British laugh. Give them a week of BBC Peaktime Presenters, and they'll soon be talking about a franchise for digital reception, and not wasting their time on tedious old politocal issues."
Muslim groups have raised concerns that the project could backfire. They are fearful that this idiot-led incursion into hostile territory could spark a spiralling crisis.
"No one will mind if these BBC has-beens get wasted," claimed a Man In A Turban, representing the 'I Speak For All Muslims' party, "but they could so enrage the extreme Taleban regime with their dummed down inanities that they lead to instant terrorist reprisals."
Channel Four executives defended the BBC proposals, likening the mission to a 'mad suicide cull, hey, that's a good one for Chris Morris'. They argue that the only two possible results could be that either Bin Laden is driven out of the Afghan hills and into UN custody, or that he kills the BBC presenters.
"It's a no loose situation," they said in a short statement. "We strongly support this BBC initiative."
Spotted on alt.comedy.british
Kabul Air Show
Citizens of Afghanistan are reportedly looking forward with great anticipation
to reports of an international air show to be held over the skies of their nation.
An unnamed official informed us that "Now the rest of the world will look
upon our lovely city with great honour just as they do Farnborough, England
and Paris, France" referring to the sites of two other famous international
air shows.
The exact date and time of the International Air Show has not been announced.
It is believed that event organisers feel that such an announcement would detract
from the fun of the celebration by "spoiling the surprise".
Unlike most air shows, the Kabul Air Show will feature almost no static ground
displays but will have an unusually high number of ariel demonstrations and
fly-bys. "We are most pleased by this feature of our Air Show. Instead
of lots of different aeroplanes sitting around on tarmac, the aircraft attending
our show will actually be up in the air demonstrating what they do best,"
we were told.
Participation will probably be the heaviest by aircraft of the US Air Force
and Marine Corps including appearances by F-15s, F-16s, A-10s, B-52s and Apache
Helicopters. It is rumoured that the opening ceremonies will feature a Tomahawk
cruise missile fireworks display. A few B-2s and F-117As may also help out in
some unseen capacity.
Several other countries have also expressed an interest in sending representatives.
These include the 19 nations of the NATO alliance and Australia. The excitement
generated for this gagla has even prompted the Israeli Air Force to apply for
participation.
Of course no-one is more excited than the Afhgan people themselves. Great numbers
of them are in the streets of Kabul looking constantly heavenwards in gratitude
for the historic event to take place in their skies. It has been observed that
some are so concerned about missing the show that even as they bow to the east
they keep snatching glances to the West. Thousands, in fact, have been seen
leaving the city and fleeing to the mountains carrying food and blankets - obviously
keen to get a good vantage point for the air show and make a picnic of it.
Prison rights
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."
Limerick
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"
15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Man
1. Select reading material.
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always
tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet
rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience
a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This
is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your
legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces
of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before
throwing it into the bowl.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when
your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use
it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem
that other people smell his produce.
Talking Baby
A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something.
Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the
forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"
Did you hear the Irish SAS stromed Battersea Dogs Home and killed all the Afgans??????
Groaner
One night, the women in the Potato family were preparing dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!"
The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying King Edward"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, King Edward is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.
As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful!
Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying Maris Piper" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Maris Piper is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm... I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato.
"I'm marrying Des Lynam!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.
"DES LYNAM!?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
Identity Crisis
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its stepsiblings.
As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.
It allowed as to how it felt different from its stepsiblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.
Their response was, ... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."
Two women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make phone call at
a time like that?"
Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoosh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is
the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
Q. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.
Life's Laws
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you
live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.
Spooky
Apparently, the number of one of the planes that crashed into
the WTC was Q33NY. [that's a dot at the end]. If you type this in Word [in caps],
change the font size to 26 point and then change the typeface to wingdings,
you'll get something that looks marginally spooky. Of course it all depends
on whether you believe that the number was Q33NY.
Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
Houllier's new star
A Liverpool F.C scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new Teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Gerard Houllier is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Liverpool for Saturday's game, and is on the bench.
With ten minutes to go Fowler gets injured and is stretchered off. Houllier points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The Kop goes mad. After the game Houllier gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room.
"Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
"God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
"So you should be son. It was your idea for us to move to Liverpool."
The differences between men and women
WOMEN:
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving [Catherine Tonge] forgiving? . They are
smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their
softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family
member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman
can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours
and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give
birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back
is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, killing spiders and wanking.
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Sylvestradamus 2001 -
And the great leader shall come from Scandinavia
Who will choose a young brave army with a new captain
To face the eternal enemy, in its own land
The small one who normally wears red shall strike 3 times
And the once mighty and arogant will fall along with the kelts
So the men adorned in white will finish first
And secure automatic qualification
If they beat Greece."
A guy and his wife were in bed one night. The guy was reading
a book. The wife, wanting to make love said, "Is that book so good you
can't put it down or am I so bad
you can't get it up?"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your
obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Dear Dog,
I'm sorry that you were sent to the pound for the broken lamp
that you did not break; for the goldfish you did not eat; and for the carpet
that you did not wet.
Things here at the house are a lot calmer now that you have left, but just to
show you that there are no hard feelings, I am enclosing a picture so that you
will always remember me.
Your friend,
The Cat
Vodka - secret recipe
For all you
vodka lovers out there and for anybody who will try anything once ...
Apparently the best and cheapest shot in the world is one which was recently
discovered. Lethal, but yummy. Here's the recipe:
1 bottle vodka
6 packets of skittles.
1. Open the bottle of vodka
2. Empty out about 3-4 shots of the vodka into a smaller empty bottle.
3. Open the first packet of skittles
4. Remove Green Skittles.
5. Add all other skittles to the vodka bottle.
6. Repeat steps 3-5 for other 5 packets of skittles.
7. Add all the green skittles to the vodka which was initially removed.
8. Leave over night (not in fridge).
9. Wake up and put bottles in fridge.
10. Remove bottles from fridge that night - note skittles have completely dissolved
- and PARTY!
Result :
One bottle of sweet sweet red vodka, which goes down smooth as summer fruit
kiaora (which is what it has been compared to) but is as lethal as they come
(because to all intents and purposes it is straight vodka and also because it's
full of sugar).
Also one bottle of green, which tastes quite Lime-y.
Obvious question: why remove the greens? - If you don't you end up with a brown
drink which looks mingin' and no-one will drink it. Well, not until they're
already smashed anyway.
Who said footballers aren't thick?
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally
on the left side.'
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
David Beckham
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.'
Ronnie Whelan
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the
only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've
ever had.'
David Beckham
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at
the end of the day.'
Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.'
Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well.'
Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let
me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen
that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction
was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.'
Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.'
Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in
Middlesbrough.'
Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian
Wright.'
Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today.'
Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.'
Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion
yet.'
David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.'
Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
Graeme Le Saux
One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.'
Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.'
Vinny Jones
Moving to Vegas
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Room With No View
Bill called the travel agency, and he was furious about a Florida package he booked. The travel agent asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. Bill said he was expecting an ocean-view room. The travel agent tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
Bill replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very thin state.
"Five-One"
Universal Pictures announced today they plan to make a film of the momentous
football match that took place on Saturday. "Five-One" is the tentative
title of what could be next year's big summer hit, depicting the American national
soccer team's stunning victory over Germany.
Nicholas Cage heads an all star cast as the captain of the brave US Soccer team
haunted by the trauma of losing in the 2000 World Cup final on penalties and
the death of his wife in a riot caused by English football hooligans, and finds
love in the arms of a female sports journalist played by Julia Roberts.
Mel Gibson is the no-nonsense Swedish coach who leads them to glory, with Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Will Smith playing some of Cage's heroic team mates.
Jeremy Irons is set to star as Sir Nigel Villiers-Smythe, the dastardly Englishman
who coaches the German team and forces them to play with poisoned-tipped studs
to try and cheat the heroic American team out of victory.
Director Steven Spielberg defended the film-makers' decision to focus on the
American contribution to the victory over Germany and inaccurate and even imagined
events in the story, saying, "Obviously we've had to take some artistic
licence to make the story work on film, but I hope that what we produce will
be true to the spirit of what happened on that famous night."
Winners of the Foil the Filters Contest
Grand Prize
Joe J. reports being prevented from accessing his own high school's Web site
from his own high school's library. Carroll High School adopted filtering software
which blocked "all questionable material." This included the word
"high."
Runner-Up
You wouldn't think someone named Hillary Anne would have censorware problems,
but all attempts to register hillaryanne@hotmail.com were rejected because censorware
spotted the hidden word "aryan." Hillary says "I had to email
and fight the system like crazy to actually be able to use my registered nickname
again."
The Poetic Justice Award
Tie An anonymous submitter noticed that the Web site of Richard "Dick"
Armey <http://armey.house.gov>, Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives
and a staunch defender of censorware and strict Internet regulation, is himself
a victim of censorware. Netnanny, Surfwatch, Cybersitter, N2H2, and Wisechoice
are among the "software solutions" which Armey advocates. All of them
filter his site because it contains the word "dick."
The conservative group Focus on the Family intends its anti-porn site Pure Intimacy <http://www.pureintimacy.org> to be a "resource for those struggling with sexual temptations" and the "psychological bondage" that is "a major reason why individuals go online." Jim K. observed that Cybersitter blocked this site for violating the following categories: porno, hardcoreporno, sexual, nudity, and, of course, bondage.
The Silicon Eye Award For finding objectionable content where only a computer
would look
Winner Tim M. wanted to register an account with Sympatico <https://reg.local.sympatico.ca:447/reg/>,
but it wouldn't accept the name "Heather," which contains the phrase
"eat her."
Honorable mentions John W. couldn't get to a test preparation site. The Navy's censorware blocked him from accessing the A+ Exam site was blocked because its URL, www.aplusexam.com <http://www.aplusexam.com/> contained the word "sex." John C. had the same problem with a biotechnology education site, www.accessexcellence.org <http://www.accessexcellence.org/>.
An employee of Surplus Exchange <http://www.surplusexchange.org> complained that customers always report being unable to access the site. The non-profit company recycles office equipment, and, in this whistleblower's words, the employees have "nothing to do with sex." Maybe censorware is not their biggest problem.
One of Kelly D's Australian high school students had difficulty completing a report on the genetics of cucumbers. The education department had chosen to use NetNanny, and when it detected the word "cum" in "cucumbers," the student had to complete the report offline.
CyberPatrol kept stopping Paul J. from submitting his monthly reports. The
subject of these reports was statistical software that "analyseS HITs,"
but the center letters kept coming back as Xs.
Overkill Award For blocking even good words
Winner John exposed some strange filtering decisions at Quokka <http://www.quokka.com>.
The site blocks "golden," he says, "no doubt from its connection
with showers." It also blocks "mate," "so Aussies and Kiwis
can't use the term, which refers to a friend."
The Sherril Babcock <../usa/blackplanet.htm> Award For enduring censorware's
human implementors
Winner Sascha of Germany is Webmaster for Teendate <http://www.teendate.de/>,
an international pen pal site promoting communication and understanding among
teenagers. When he tried to submit the site to web.de <http://web.de>,
it was blocked as an adult-entry site. The Webmaster explained that "the
word 'teen' would be reserved for adult sites."
The Twilight Zone Award For blocking which humans don't even understand
Winner John found that the sailing forum at Quokka <http://www.quokka.com>
bans use of the word "scoop." This has everyone baffled. He asks "does
it mean something that I haven't heard of?" "Scooping" is a new
one to us, too, John.
The Frolic Award For fun at censorware's expense
Winner Peacefire's Bennett Haselton takes the prize for his fun with Cybersitter.
Bennett started with this phrase: "Gary Bauer is a staunch anti-homosexual
conservative who sees the gay movement as absolutely pure fascism and thinks
movies of men with men are the greatest terror." After Cybersitter's keen
filters attacked it, here's what came out: "Gary Bauer is a staunch anti-conservative
who sees the gay movement as absolutely pure and thinks movies of men with men
are the greatest."
The Dick Sexton Award Named for one with a personal stake in censorware-for
obvious reasons. This award honors those whose lives have been affected
by filtering.
Tie Terry D. works for a company that secured a contract in that Yorkshire,
England town, Scunthorpe. The IT manager had implemented a mail filter but wasn't
aware that no one had been able to receive customer e-mails from this client
for four days (the filter didn't generate logs). The manager was sacked.
An anonymous submission blames the Gauntlet firewall for "prohibiting
300 lawyers from searching the Web for detailed dissections and commentary.
The most frequently used word for such works is "analysis," and the
first four letters of that word are blocked."
The Puritan Award For outstanding achievement in hindering people from learning
about their own bodies
Winner Altavista <http://www.altavista.com>'s "family filter."
When activated on September 26, 2000, Altavista's total number of returns for
"sex" - a topic which includes areas of public health, mental health,
safety, reproductive facts, contraception, animal biology, sexual dysfunction,
law, history, prose, and poetry - totaled only 161.
The "I saw the light" Award For committing censorware to the flames
Winner Not everyone stays committed to censorware. Mike maintains a former science
teacher's Web site <http://www.northcoast.com/%7Erchilds> and built in
a censorware mechanism with what he calls "the usual swear words."
When a posting showed up on his site which spelled "class" as "cl***",
he dumped the filtering software to the flames and hasn't used it since.
Honorable mention You may know Matsushita <http://www.matsushita.com>
better as the company that controls Panasonic. A "major mover," according
to David B., but only after voicing his "outrage at the stupidity of the
algorithm" did his IT department prevent the company from appearing in
his newsgroups as MatsuXXXXa.
The Inspiration Award For reminding us what it's all about
Winner Attributed to EPIC <http://www.epic.org>'s Marc Rotenberg, and
though we aren't sure if it's a real case or not, it says it all and we couldn't
pass it up. Thanks, Marc. "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom
of sXXXch, or the right of the people peaceably to XXXemble, and to peXXXion
the government for a redress of grievances."
Ode To The Toilet Seat
If I should only do Number 1,
And I can stand to do it,
Why should I put down the seat
Just so you don't fall through it?
To stand and answer nature's call
Requires that I touch nothing,
But when you sit upon the throne
Your rear leaves germs abundant.
So when you sit and ponder this
While relieving your inner pressure,
To lift the seat laden with your germs
Would be a fantastic gesture.
And when I sit, I'll do likewise,
For it is only fair.
And thanks for letting me speak my mind,
I hope this clears the air.
Cat definitions
1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert impersonator.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.
More Definitions...
* Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
* Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
* Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
* Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
* Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
* Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Mickey's Divorce
Mickey Mouse goes to his lawyer and tells him to file for a divorce from Minnie. The day he goes to court the judge says Mickey you just can't come in here and say Minnie is crazy, I can't give you a divorce on those grounds. Mickey says I didn't say she was crazy, you misunderstood me your honor what I said was she was fucking Goofy
Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress."
What Came First?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after having
sex. The chicken is lying there, smiling, smoking a cigarette. The egg grabs
the blanket off the chicken; looks back at him and says;
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
Going To Church
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes he did, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
Telephone Call
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.
The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private
chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the
Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he
is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But
listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses,
but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were
100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.
A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the
Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also
is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that
requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi
gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the
Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents
and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised,
"Why so cheap?"
The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden,
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local
sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the
politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you
know how them politicians lie."
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely
to get pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island
Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Ford Escort with
sticky hair.
On the buses
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke,
"...I'm just a really bad conductor."
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for
something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working hard, and
I'm very satisfied. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has
left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:"Which of you idiots
ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders,
Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have
to go and eat the cleaner!"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,
and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and
said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third
time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr
Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.'
Forgive me Father,
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with one's own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. So the priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church.
"Banned from the church?! What gave you that idea?" the priest queried.
"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
OFFICE GUIDE
* If it Rings, Answer it. Talk kindly.
* If it Clanks, Call the Repairman.
* If it Whistles, Ignore it.
* If it is a Friend, Take a break.
* If it is the Boss, Look busy.
* If it Talks, Take notes.
* If it is Hand-Written, Type it.
* If it is Copied, File it.
* If it is Friday, Forget it!
300% Impotent
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean. She says, Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
The Arrest
When John got arrested, he was told, "Anything you say will be held against you." John responded, "Pamela Anderson."
Newsflash
"This is a newsflash - a missing page of the bible has been discovered.
Initial translations are interpreted to mean the following: This book is entirely
fictional. Any connection between characters or events in this book with real
life are purely coincidental"
Beer
Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and
then defecating. In other words, it's a nice tall glass of bacteria shit.
Mean streets
A story is told about a king in Africa who had a close friend that he grew
up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred
in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good".
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition.The friend
would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done
something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from
his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation,
the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!".To which the king replied,
"No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known
to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They
tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing
a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole.
So, untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was
reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment
of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend."You
were right" he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."
And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so,
I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do
this."
"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"
"What do you mean, this is good!" " How could it be good that
I sent my friend to jail for a year."
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."
Mean streets
Two bits of road walk into the pub. As they stride up to the bar the other customers make room for the as these are two seriously hard bits of tarmac.
They are stand at the bar drinking and enjoying the deference of the locals when the door opens behind them. They turn round to see along thin, red piece of road come in. On seeing the newcomer thry collect their drinks and head for a quiet table at the back.
"That's strange" says the barman, "I've never seen those two back off from anyone before. I wonder what's going on?"
So he starts collecting glasses so he can speak to them.
"What's up with you two?" he asks, "I've never seen you shy away from someone before"
"We don't mess with him." says one. "He's a cyclepath!"
Accidents Happen
A man runs into a friend and notices that his car is wrecked and
covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What
happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."
"Okay," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park"