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Animal Jokes

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.
"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"
"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

Short jokes about animals

Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: Mega-sor-ass

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
A: Because it has a silent P.

Q: What's black and white and very noisy?
A: A magpie with a drum set!

Q: Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side...er, no — to go shopping...no, not that either...

Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had." The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head.

That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right"

Then two bald guys walk in and he says, "Alright, you two turkey fuckers up here on the piano with me."

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